Category: Lutheranism

As the past two years of growth have unfolded for me, it’s taught me the radical lesson that life is hard.

When life felt controllable, manageable, and consistent, I was able to convince myself that life wasn’t hard.  But, in hindsight I can see that I wasn’t truly engaged with my life, never really present with my family and friends, not connected to the pains and struggles of life.

As a lifelong Christian, God has always been present and active in my life.  However, my conscious need for Christ has grown exponentially over the past two years.  Rather than the, “Thanks God, I’ve got it from here!” attitude that dominated my life, I’m now embracing my complete and constant dependence on Christ.

Depending on Christ, it turns out, doesn’t remedy the restlessness of life on earth.  Though we are indwelt with the Holy Spirit and in communion with Christ, the human experience remains one of yearning and incompleteness.  As Pascal described, “There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.”  But, as sinful man, we do try to fill that God shaped hole with worldly pursuits and things.

In Forgotten Among the Lilies: Learning to Love Beyond Our Fears, priest Ronald Rolheiser says,

“In our western world we live in a culture that stresses the importance and significance of the individual, while at the same time downplaying the importance of God. These two emphases, the significance of the individual life and the absence of God, cannot go together without creating an intolerable restlessness inside each of us.  A fundamental dis-ease results when the truths that are revealed by God are taught in a world that postures independence of God.”  (pg. 19)

Amen.

Striving and seeking to make life worthwhile, to feel that you are special and to distinguish yourself and your life amongst the billions of other individuals striving to do the same, is a recipe for unhappiness and frustration.  The secular world sells people on the idea that maintaining high self-esteem and the pursuit of your personal “happiness” is the ultimate good.

In contrast, a life in Christ teaches us that we are unique, special, and loved because we’re created by God.  There’s nothing we need to do to earn God’s love or distinguish ourselves in His eyes.  Rolheiser explains, “Our world teaches us that we are significant and precious, but then deprives us of the one thing that can make us so, God. This sets off an incurable ache.” (pg. 20)

These words have provided me with a peace and inner calm because they helped me understand what I was calling the “wildness” or “rawness” of life.  Restlessness is part of our human condition because we’re not yet fully united with God. Feeling restless doesn’t mean there’s anything I need to strive to understand or fix.  Instead, I can rest in prayer, rest in God, and trust Christ to fulfill what nothing in this world can satisfy.

As I’ve grown over the past couple years, several similar prayers have arisen in my heart and mind.

At first, I asked God to keep me on the path of growth and to help me let go of my need for self-reliance and control.  More recently, I’ve been praying that God will help me to surrender and stay mindful of my neediness for Him.   I’ve also prayed that God would keep me from ever returning to that place of self-reliance and holding onto an illusion of control.

But then, I still experience this nagging feeling that I should be able to hold onto specific thoughts or ideas that will give me a sense of control and calmness.  If I could only come up with just the right way of thinking and understanding, I’d feel okay.

Sometimes I imagine God lovingly shaking his head at me: “Oh, Kelsey.”

Nevertheless, God has been faithful to answer these prayers, even though there are times I struggle against surrendering.  It’s like a version of “Be careful what you wish for…”

Be careful what you pray for, you may get it.

Trusting God and being surrendered to his perfect will necessitates a letting go of my own understanding – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6.   I presently have a deeper reliance on God and neediness for Him, but there’s still that human desire to elevate myself and my thoughts.

All of these anxious feelings boil down to my conflicting desires to trust in the Lord and simultaneously trust in my own understanding.  At times it seems I’m using the Word of God to help me recapture a sense of peace and calm, rather than truly relying on God and his Word and Sacraments as the very lifeblood they are.

This morning, after praying for God to continue to deepen my reliance on him, I listened to one of Pastor John’s sermons on Luther’s theology of the cross.  I then heard with new ears:

We are not yet one completely with Christ obviously, that’s true.  We strongly gravitate like zombies toward the flesh and that’s why the faith that Luther spoke of had to be renewed day by day and consciously and purposefully trusting the Lord. You cannot live today on yesterday’s faith. Faith in the gospel has to be renewed day by day, which is why he said, “Wake every morning, make the sign of the Holy cross and remember your baptism.”

How comforting to hear the Christian life being described in these terms! Having to renew ones faith on a daily basis stands in stark contrast to my foolish attempts to figure out just the right understanding, once and for all.

Renew your faith today.  You cannot live today on yesterday’s faith.

On the outside, my life doesn’t look dramatically different from this time last year. I have the same job, am married to the same wonderful man; I’m mom to two delightful children, we still worship at the same church, and we’re continuing to deepen relationships with our church family and friends. Life is full and good.

But, on the inside, there’s been a dramatic transformation.

There’s an inner peace and calm that’s replaced the constant activity of my mind. Making peace with my emotions, so that they no longer scare me, means that I can comfortably be in any given moment without having to control my feelings. That process, in the end, was really about who I placed my trust in: me or God?

As the layers of emotion unfolded last summer, the anxiety and sadness revealed my deepest fear: that I cannot protect my children, husband, and loved ones. I don’t know whether something tragic might occur in our lives. Coming to grips with that ultimate fear sent me racing into the loving embrace of our Heavenly Father. While I can’t know what the future holds, He knows. Through prayer I can entreat Him to protect my family and rest in the knowledge that Christ will make all things right in the end.

It has been simply amazing to experience all the changes that flow from trusting God and keeping God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as the focus of ultimate value in my life. In a real way it feels like living the verse:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

There’s a great freedom in realizing how little control I actually have, how little I can do on my own. Believing that Christ accomplished everything for our salvation, including giving us the gift of faith in Him, provides this beautiful peace through surrendering. I don’t have to do anything to make myself or my life more pleasing to God. Instead, I can focus on serving God, my family, co-workers, and friends, in love.

In my daily life, there are times when upsetting thoughts or feelings appear.  I notice them now, accept that they’re there, pray that God will use them for good or help them pass by, and then go back to the current moment and directing my attention to what’s happening.  That process ususally takes a few seconds, maybe a minute.  Feeling uncomfortable emotions or thinking negative thoughts doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong”.  Having a poor night’s sleep doesn’t mean I’m depressed.  It all just means I’m human and experiencing life in this fallen world.

Acceptance and trust work together beautifully.

This transformation has made my world simultaneously smaller and richer. Instead of seeing how much I can do, how many projects I can say “yes” to or activities to fill in the calendar, I cherish time with Dennis, Sienna, and Mateo. We plan activities with good friends and our church family. We spend a lot more time at home, caring for our little piece of the world and devoting time to things that are most important – family dinners, Sienna’s first communion catechesis, and decorating for the changing seasons and holidays.

The mundane is more special now. Making breakfast turns into teaching the kids to flip pancakes. Washing the car becomes a fun way to cool off on a hot afternoon. Family dinner time gives us an opportunity to review memory verses with Sienna or hear Teo’s latest prayer song from preschool. Cleaning up the kitchen is a chance for Dennis and me to catch up on our day and enjoy the sunset view from our backyard.

There are certainly moments that are challenging, frustrating, angering, or sad. Accepting these emotions as a normal, natural, and healthy part of life has been a great opportunity for growth. But, more importantly, I’m now trusting that God is working all things for good and is always there to comfort, heal, and provide His perfect care.

I’ve been making my way through the Book of Matthew, one chapter per day (most days), for the past couple of weeks.  The thing that has struck me during this reading of the Bible is how much more meaningful and relatable the passages are, now that I’ve come to depend on God more and rely on myself less.  Seeing myself as a person in need of a Savior, in need of God’s grace, and unable to fulfill my own needs allows the richness of the gospel to be come through more clearly.

For example – Matthew, chapter 13 begins with Jesus telling his followers the parable of the sower:

“A sower went out to sow.  And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them.  Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched.  And since they had no root, they withered away.  Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.” Matthew 13: 8-8

When Jesus’s disciplies asked him to explain the parable, he replied:

“Hear then the parable of the sower. When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path. As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the world and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away. As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.” Matthew 13: 18-23

This passage reminded me of the insight Deaconess shared with me, that through these trials, God was growing my peace in Him.  Before God helped me to face how much my planning and sense of control had driven me into myself and away from God, I was unable to bear good fruit.  Like those who hear the word and spring up quickly without roots, I was enthusiatic about Christ, as long as it wasn’t challenging to follow him. Through God teaching me to be present in the moment and depend on him, he was tilling the soil of my life.  Surrendering to Him, relying on His grace to be sufficient for my life enriched my soil to bear good fruit.

Reflecting on this parable also brings to mind the mainstream evangelical churches that focus on positive feelings and the “prosperity gospel.”  When Christians act as if living a certain way will bring endless joy and happiness, they’re very much like the rocky ground that will not endure through tribulation or persecution.   On the other extreme, this parable points to martyrs for the faith, including the very recent killings of Christians in Iraq; people who have heard the word and understood it, even unto death.

God knows us perfectly.  He made us and sees all of our weaknesses.  Reading the Bible from this position of humility and meekness certainly lightens the burden of life.

I’ve been struggling to come up with posts on this blog for the past few weeks. I want this blog to be about Jesus, sharing the Gospel, and showing how Christ is shaping and nurturing my little life. But, when I strive to write something profound, I find myself paralyzed. I’ll listen to wonderful sermons by our two wise pastors, or read brilliant writing of other Christians and suddenly my contribution and voice seem small and inadequate. I’ve been thinking and searching for answers lately.

At work, part of my job is scheduling our auditors. It’s a big complex puzzle to plan busy season jobs, matching client timing with our staffing which includes several team members at various levels. It’s a challenge and I enjoy it a lot. But, in my motivation and excitement to tackle this big project, I found myself stalled. I didn’t know how to approach it.

“I wish I could simultaneously see all the jobs, all the staff, and all the potential conflicts at the same time so it would all just work.” I found myself thinking.

It would be great to be all-knowing and all-powerful, right?

But, being human, that’s not possible. So, instead I worked on a plan to systematically go through all the jobs, evaluate what staffing issues exists for that particular job, look for solutions, make a list of questions to bring to the management group, and create a master spreadsheet for tracking and following up on issues. The only way to get to the final answer is to do the hard work of evaluating and looking for solutions to each individual issue.

Personally, this week I thought a very similar thing in terms of my emotional and mental state.

“I wish I could combine all the wise, helpful, peace-inducing thoughts and hold them in my mind simultaneously.”

Oh that’s right, I’m human.

After a few days of thinking and striving to figure things out for myself (in other words, after activating my struggle switch), I came full circle in prayer this morning.

“Okay, Lord. Help me figure out the answer I’m looking for.” I prayed.

There is no answer.

“I am the answer.”

One of my favorite Michael Card songs is called Could it Be and the chorus goes:

Could it be you make your presence known so often by your absence?

Could it be that questions tell us more than answers ever do?

Could it be that you would really rather die than live without us?

Could it be the only answer that means anything is you?

I’ve been singing this song on a weekly (if not daily) basis to Sienna or Mateo for over six years. They know it by heart. It’s so simplistically true.

For humanity on Earth, before Christ’s return, we will never have the full answer. We’re fallen, sinful, and don’t come close to the glory of God. The best thing we can do is trust in Almighty God, Creator of heaven and earth, who sent his Son to pay for our sins and reconcile us to himself. He has a plan and we are not let in on it, yet.

As I’ve been on this path of growth the past year, I’ll often feel motivated to grow and learn new things. But, I’m often in the drivers’ seat in that process. I’ve been giving my thoughts a lot of attention and importance. I’ve been asking myself, “What do I want to learn?” instead of asking God, “What do you want to teach me?”

So, I’m going to try to stop striving to write something important and profound for this blog. Instead, I’m going to share my thoughts and feelings, as unsophisticated as they might be. To “be still and know” is about letting God drive my growth, impart his lessons, and unfold the life he created for me.

As I trudged up the hill this morning after surrendering, this song lyric popped into my mind: “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.”   It’s based on Philippians 1:6: “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

On the day of Christ Jesus, then we’ll get the full answer.