I saw my beloved counselor Carolyn last Friday afternoon. As our session neared, I found myself wondering what we’d talk about. My week had been full of teaching, grading, cooking, watching basketball games at school, and talking to biology students about diabetes. Generally, I felt pretty centered and peaceful, especially in comparison to our last session.
But, as I’ve learned over the years, the process of “feeing my feelings” is never ending. There are always emotions present or repressed that need to be processed.
Sure enough, as I talked to Carolyn about my recent realization that I’d repressed a lot of the emotion around my mom’s cancer battle, strong feelings did arise. She’s wonderful about helping me allow the waves of sadness to happen so that I can feel them instead of instantly trying to make sense of them with words (which is absolutely my default approach!).
Turns out, watching my mom in such a fragile state and honestly quite close to death, brought up a lot of fears about losing my people. In nearly 44 years, the only close loved ones I’ve lost were grandparents in their mid-90s. Deep grief and mourning are not emotions I’ve experienced… yet. The fact that they inevitably will be, that’s what brought me to tears.
Suddenly, and not for the first time over the past few weeks, a lyric from an old Patty Loveless song popped into my mind as I sat in my counseling session, letting the wave of sadness crest over me. ”Life’s about change and nothing ever stays the same…” rang through my mind. Turns out I had the lyric slightly wrong (you’ll see) but nevertheless, the truth of the sentiment hit me hard.
As I started to tell Carolyn about this lyric, the next line occurred to me and I cried harder. ”How can I help you to say goodbye? It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to cry…”
“It’s so weird, I haven’t heard that song in like a decade,” I told her.
Our session wrapped up shortly after this realization. Intrigued by the memory and sensing that the song had more depth to reveal, I got into my car and searched for Patty Loveless songs on Pandora. I quickly found it and listened to the entire song.
It’s one of those wonderful country songs that tells a story. The chorus is consistent but the verses unfold to reveal new meaning in the chorus each time it repeats. It starts with a young girl, brokenhearted because she’s moving away from her best friend. In tears she turns to her mom:
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye
It’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye
Sitting in my car, my crying turned to sobbing when I heard the final verse:
Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye
It’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye
Are you kidding me?! I did not consciously remember that this song was literally about a mother on her deathbed helping her daughter say goodbye to her. But, deep down, I must have. Or, the Holy Spirit brought it to my mind since he knows that I sometimes need some poignant words to help me feel my deepest repressed feelings. Either way, I am so grateful for this song.
Reflecting now, there’s so much I love about the way this song suddenly reemerged in my life. First, I relate to the girl in the song. I always call my mom when life gets difficult or I face a challenge. She’s helped me to navigate the hardest times in my life.
Also, it’s interesting the way I remembered the lyric as “Life’s about change and nothing ever stays the same” when it’s actually “Life’s about changing nothing ever stays the same”. The way I remembered it, there’s a sense of something bad happening to you. But, in the actual lyric, it’s more like you are constantly changed by life experiences. It doesn’t have the same sense of foreboding, instead it suggests growth.
As I drove home, I called my mom to tell her about the song. As I described it, she said “Well that’s a tear-jerker!” Indeed, it was, and is. Thank you, Lord for bringing it to mind when I needed it.
