Category: The Happiness Trap

This year, I intentionally did not set any goals or resolutions.  I’ve learned that striving to achieve measurable outcomes leads me down a path toward self-reliance. It’s hard to rest in God and be present in the moment when I am focused on all the tasks I need to accomplish.  

Heading into the office for the first time in a couple weeks, I naturally felt a bit down. We had such a delightfully cozy Christmas, fun New Year, and joyous celebration of the kids’ birthdays (Teo’s will continue this evening!) that coming into work couldn’t match the feeling of celebration and enthusiasm.  Nor should it.  The highs in life feel special because they are different from everyday life.  We can’t have the highs without the lows (or the everydayness).

Preparing for the New Year, I’ve been praying a lot about acceptance and not trying to control my emotions.  The image in this post is a great example of what acceptance looks like!  It’s really just letting thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to fix or change them. 

Today I realized, when I don’t strive to be in control of my emotions and feel “happy” through thinking only “positive” thoughts, it can lead to a sense of hopelessness and discontent.  But, there is a more pure joy and hopefulness that comes from resting in God and trusting his promises.  When my focus is on Christ and the freedom he has won for us, my heart is open and able to delight in whatever is happening in the given moment. 

I received faith themed planner stickers as a Christmas gift. I’ve avoided planner stickers as they started to become popular because I don’t use a traditional planner.  But, these stickers are so fun and exactly my style!  They work wonderfully in my bullet journal and added some whimsy to my otherwise boring list of “to dos”.  Looking at them now, they simply state some of the many Biblical promises we can rely upon in daily life:

“He has plans for me”

“Ask and it will be given to you”

“Seek and you will find”

“Knock at the door will be opened to you”

“Hope anchors the soul”

“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for…”

“I can do all things through Him that strengthens me”

“The Lord bless you and keep you”

In 2021, my prayer is that God helps me stay rooted in Him and living more from my heart than from my head.  I want to feel more deeply, which means that I’ll experience both the highs and lows.  Acceptance feels most safe when I remember that God is utterly trustworthy and loves me beyond comprehension.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Whoa, it’s been two months since I posted!  Every time I return after a blogging hiatus, I say something like… “life has been full and busy lately,” which is once again true this time!  Between the kids adjusting to the academic rigors of The Cambridge School, regular busy season busyness at my office, plus the addition of regular travel for my new role at work, we’ve had a very full winter and early spring.

Yesterday I took my second (and probably last!) train trip up to our Oxnard office.  This long day starts with catching the train from Solana Beach at 6:33 a.m., so I have to leave my house before 6:00 a.m. to get there.  If all goes well, I’d get back to my car in Solana Beach by 10:30 p.m.  The trip is about 4 hours up and 4 1/2 hours back.  Unfortunately, I got on the wrong train in Oxnard for the trip home!  The train came through the station right at 5:40 p.m., so I didn’t even question it.  Also, there’s only one track you can board in Oxnard, plus I find it very disorienting to figure out if the train is headed north or south!  These Amtrak trains travel in both directions without a clear “front”.  It’s very confusing!   It wasn’t until we were in Ventura and the conductor said, “Be sure you’re on the right train, we are headed northbound to San Luis Obispo” that I realized my error.

By the time I gathered my things, we were moving again.  So, I found the conductor and explained the situation.  He told me to get off in Santa Barbara and catch the 7:00 p.m. train south to San Diego.  He wrote me a little note to give the conductor of that train. I felt like a kid getting a note from a parent!  Poor little lost traveler.  Fortunately, it was nearing sunset and we were traveling along the coast.  The beauty of the view helped soften the blow that I’d added over 2 hours to my already long day of train travel.  Sigh.

When situations like this occur, I’m so grateful for the mindfulness practices and work I’ve done to accept the present moment and let go of my illusion of control.  This was an annoying mistake, but all-in-all, I was fine.  I had some extra time to talk to my boss, talk to my mom, read, and listen to the audio book of Pride and Prejudice.   I’m fortunate to have the option to work from home in my pajamas today, after getting about 5 hours of sleep last night.

The book I was wrapping up on the train is actually a psychology “primer” for therapists, written by Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap.  It’s an introduction to using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (“ACT”) with patients.  Obviously, I’m not going to be treating folks formally with ACT, but I figured what better way to learn something than to “teach” it?  Even if just academically.  It has deepened my understanding and appreciation of this amazing technique of mindfulness, acceptance and valued-focused living.

I’ve been thinking lately about how much our pain in struggle in life is caused by the gap between what we think life ought to be like and our current reality.  We’re so often angry, frustrated, sad or disappointed when our expectations aren’t met or the current moment isn’t aligning with our hopes and desires.

The fundamental, essential, most important lesson I’ve learned over the past several years has been acceptance.  Accepting my thoughts and feelings, but also the situations and circumstances of life, my own mistakes and failings and the frustration of other people’s behavior!  Not having to control my inner world has lead to not having to control the world around me.  It’s a tremendously freeing place to be.  My “struggle switch” still gets activated now and then, but I’m able to accept my thoughts and feelings much more easily these days.  Which is extremely helpful when you’re trapped on a train taking you the opposite direction that you want to be going!

Every once in awhile, I find myself reflecting on life and seeing the loving hand of God guiding my life and shaping my growth.  This week I had a couple experiences that helped me appreciate the relationships in my life, particularly the ones that challenge me to grow.

I am very fortunate to have a mentor at work.  She’s reads this blog regularly too, (“Hi Debby!).  Over the past few years, she has encouraged, pushed, and challenged me to be a better manager (and person, for that matter!) through regular feedback. She has walked side-by-side with me through several difficult work situations, always with the delicate balance of empathy and advice.  Beyond work, when I experienced acute anxiety in the summer of 2013, her office is where I retreated to cry and seek counsel.

As I grew, both professional and personally, I relied on her less and less for the daily management decisions I needed to make.  But, when the bigger issues arose, she was the first person I ran to for advice.  However, I wasn’t as moldable as I’d been previously.  Sometimes I bristled as her feedback, thinking that my track record must mean that I had figured something out.  But, even when I couldn’t immediately accept the gift of feedback she provided me, her training kicked in and I would reply, “Thank you for the feedback” and then go away to wrestle with it awhile.

I realized this week that, when I struggle against accepting Debby’s feedback, it’s a very good indicator that I’ve slipped back into a fixed mindset.  When I feel the need to justify my actions and deflect blame, it’s a good sign that my struggle switch is flipped and I’m not owning my behavior.  Fortunately, Debby also gives me the grace to struggle with the feedback before accepting it.  In doing so, I’m able to humbly surrender and acknowledge that she has given me the gift of information to help me grow.

There’s such amazing peace that comes from accepting responsibility and recognizing when your thoughts and behavior in a given situation are causing you pain.  In another workplace relationship, I caused myself years of heartache by perceiving a coworker’s  actions as antagonistic and then acting out in response.  A few years ago, we both decided that we wanted to move forward with a different kind of relationship.  It wasn’t easy and there were several missteps as we tried to overcome years of distrust and build trust with one another.

This process of growth has brought me indescribable peace and hope.  This week, I went to lunch with this coworker for the first time!  We had a delightful conversation and she gave me a most treasured compliment.  She said that she truly feels heard and understood when she talks to me.   That moment was so special and provided such healing.

I have a reminder that pops up on my phone each day.  It helps me be mindful to stay in a growth mindset through acceptance: “How I perceive a situation dictates my emotional state, which dictates my behavior.”  Given my experience with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (“ACT”), I think of my perception as the thoughts I fuse with about that situation.  So, if I tell myself that a piece of feedback is a challenge to my abilities or a threat, then I respond by defending myself.  Whereas, if I fuse with the thought that feedback is a gift to help me grow, then I can accept and learn more quickly.  Likewise, if I tell myself that another person is “out to get me” or has negative intentions toward me, then I’m likely to act aggressively based on that perception.  Whereas, if I assume positive intent and seek to understand another person’s actions, I can remain calm, learn, and grow from the experience.

There are times when I consider my employment options in life and wonder if something would be a better fit for me.  But, then weeks like this occur and I realize that God has put me in this particular vocation with these particular people in my life, for a reason.  Growing, learning, accepting, and understanding are happening to me every day.

I’m so grateful for the relationships that challenge me and help me grow.

Everywhere you look in modern American culture, you hear people saying they want to be happy. The goal of life is seemingly to maintain a consistent state of happiness.  It wasn’t that long ago that I believed staying “happy all the time” was achievable.  Then, one of the wisest people I know told me something profound.  She said, “I don’t think of happiness as a state I try to stay in.  Something happens and it makes me happy.  Through Christ, I have joy, peace, love, and hope all the time, but I don’t try to stay happy.”  While I couldn’t snap out of my perspective that quickly, for the past few years, this comment has shaped my growth.  I wanted to be a person who didn’t try to stay happy all the time.

The next teacher God placed in my path was a lovely counselor in the Midwest named Brenda. She took my call when I reached out for help during a moment of intense anxiety.  After I described my struggle with being present in the moment, a hyper focus on planning and control, and generally fighting to regain feeling “happy all the time” she suggested I get a book called The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. I went straight to the bookstore, bought the only copy on the shelf, and started reading it right away.

This book was utterly transformative for me. I knew that the need to feel happy was at the root of my problem, but I didn’t know to change my mindset.  This book, and specifically Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (“ACT” pronounced like the word “act”) literally taught me the skills and techniques to make that transition, and I continue to use them every day.

Dr. Harris argues that happiness is not the normal state for human beings because our brains have evolved to warn us of danger, not to make us feel good. He outlines four myths about happiness that most people believe, the last of which rang most true for me: “You should be able to control what you think and feel”.   In fact, we have very little control over our thoughts and feelings.  Positive thinking and a lot of popular psychology encourages people to just “think more positively” – which actually helps to set the happiness trap.  The trap is set when we believe that the only acceptable feeling is “happy” and then struggle against any of the “negative” emotions that consistently occur in life.

The progression of information and skill development in ACT is brilliant! When I first tried to “be in the moment” when my anxiety was at its worst, it was a complete failure.  I knew that I didn’t have the coping strategies to be comfortable in the moment.  ACT starts with dealing with your thoughts and teaching you how to minimize the importance of thoughts.  Rather than trying to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts, this therapy teaches you to see them for what they are – a stream of words running through your mind.  Whether or not you give your full attention to a particular thought should be dictated by your answer to this question: “Is this thought helpful?” That is, does it help you take effective action in your life?  If the answer is no, you can let that thought run in the background and not struggle with it.  The goal of this skill, which is called defusion, is to accept your thoughts.

Next up are emotions. Unhelpful and/or painful thoughts can often trigger uncomfortable feelings.  By dealing with thoughts first, you are then left with the emotions that are currently occurring in your body.  Again, the goal is acceptance of your feelings, instead of fighting them and flipping on your struggle switch.  The skill of expansion teaches us to open up and give our feelings as much room as they need to move on.  This process involves acknowledging that the moment is as it is and the feelings in your body are only sensations that you can observe, breathe into, and let be.  Instead of adding a lot of additional discomfort and anxiety by struggle against what you’re feeling, this state of expansion lets your feelings move, much like the weather that is constantly changing.

Once you’ve learned how to accept your thoughts and feelings, then you’re ready to learn how to connect with the present moment. Connection is all about turning your attention to what is happening around you: what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch.  It enables you to connect with the people you love by truly seeing them, noticing their feelings and readily responding to their needs.  There’s no greater joy that being able to be fully present to a loved one, right when they need you most.  When I am “in my head” my response is too often, “I’ll be there in a minute.”  When I’m connected to the moment, I transition and respond more quickly and joyfully.

There’s a beautiful irony to the process of acceptance and connection. When you break out of the happiness trap and accept your thoughts and feelings without judgment, you’re then able to connect and be present in your life more fully, which tends to result in more happiness and fulfillment!  Because, just as my wise friend noted, happiness comes from something happening that makes you feel happy.  If you are distracted from the moment by your thoughts, you won’t truly be present to experience those things that make you feel happy.  I now recognize that what I once considered being “happy all the time” was actually a feeling of control that made me feel good.  Feeling the range of human emotions allows you to recognize when you’re happy, sad, mad, joyful, peaceful, frustrated, and all the rest.  You can’t have the highs without the lows.

Then, once you are able to connect to the moment and let your thoughts and feelings come and go, the book focuses on living a life you value. Being intentional about what you believe in, what you’re passionate about, and what truly matters in life, then begins to shape the committed actions you take. Since we ultimately have little control over our thoughts and feelings, but a lot of control over what we actually do, it make sense to focus our attention on valued action.  I found that, once I was present in the moment, opportunities to act on my values presented themselves all the time.  Sienna wants to talk about her day?  Yes, stop everything and listen.  Teo wants to go throw the baseball?  Yes, let’s do it!  Dennis is getting ready to sit in the backyard with coffee and read?  I’ll grab my book!  A friend or loved one needs to share what they’re going through?  Let’s talk.  Those moments can easily be missed when your thoughts demand all of your attention.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy isn’t tied to any particular religion, though Dr. Harris does outline his version of the Serenity Prayer in the book. I loved this connection!  The Serenity Prayer is so meaningful to me.  Through a lot of prayer and God’s guidance plus the skills of ACT provided me with the ability to accept, discern, and trust in God.

This is obviously just a summary, so I’d encourage anyone who’s struggling with anxiety, loss of the moment, or self-defeating habits to check out this therapy.

The little story of letting go that I recently shared was just the tip of the iceberg.  Turns out, I had a lot more letting go to do.

Several weeks ago, I had the sudden realization that I was an “Upholder” based on my tendency to meet all internal and external expectations.  Okay, that’s true and fine.  Then, I decided – “Why not embrace my Upholder Tendency and focus on establishing more concrete habits?  I can monitor them and stop spending so much mental energy deciding what to do.  I’ll decide once and then not think about it!”

Two new apps were downloaded – one for logging my blood sugars, meals, etc. and another to track my habits.  For the past few weeks, I’ve been monitoring my activities, eating fewer and fewer carbohydrates, and generally zeroing in on the habits I wanted to cultivate.  At first, I felt really awesome!  Look at my self-discipline!

But, all along there’s been this slightly nagging feeling that these behaviors were starting to trigger a desire for control.  But, I brushed it away.  Through prayer and surrendering, I’ve come to see that this episode is very much like the time I threw my planner away.  Less dramatically, I just deleted the habits app from my phone this morning.

There is a part of me that LOVES structure, discipline, and self-control.  However, that’s the part of me that, when nurtured, pulls away from the present moment, resides in my head, seeks to control myself and those around me, and generally feels that my little world is subject to my command.  I find myself feeling frustrated and short tempered when my children don’t behave the way they “should”.  I don’t feel my emotions deeply because I’m busy thinking about what “should” happen next, what I “should” be doing.

Tracking and monitoring daily habits reinforces the idea that each day can be mastered by my choices and actions.  This directly contradicts the sense of curiosity that being present and accepting the moment fosters.  Rather than freedom, focusing on these habits started to make me feel agitated and distant from what really matters.

For me, the opposite of being in “control” is a state of surrendering, accepting, and trusting God.  He’s in control and will put in front of me what I “should” be doing at any given moment.  When I consider the fact that I don’t know what the day ahead holds, instead of feeling fear, I feel hopeful and excited.  My prayer becomes: “Lord, show me how I can love your people today.”  And then I stop focusing on my thoughts and instead look around me at my family, friends, coworkers, and strangers that cross my path.  That’s what I’m here to do, to love and serve others.  Not to track how much water I’ve consumed or whether I snacked too close to bedtime.

I have a reminder on my phone that pops up every few days. It says: “The thinking self struggles with control, but the observing self doesn’t.”  This was one of the great insights from The Happiness Trap.  At any given time, we can either be thinking or observing our direct experience with the world, but not both.  While thoughts and feelings come and go, we can actively choose where to place our attention.  Did that passing thought need my full attention, or should I look around me and notice the present moment?  We get to make that decision hundreds of times each day.

The struggle with control comes from the fact that our thoughts are largely out of our control.  When we get hooked by our thoughts, it’s typically because there’s something about them we want to change.  We make judgments, criticisms, or assumptions that cause us discomfort, so we engage our thoughts with other information, in hopes of changing our thoughts to be more positive or comforting.  I’ve learned (time and again!) that recognizing my thoughts are just words running through my head, which often don’t require my full attention, I’m much more peaceful.

When I trust that God will guide my actions through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, instead of relying on my very fallible thoughts, I feel immensely more fulfilled and at peace.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but here it is again: I’ve never liked change. As a kid I remember getting upset when we changed out our couch or even got a new car. I liked things to stay the same, be predictable. A lot of the anxiety that hit in 2013 was due to the massive change of having Sienna start elementary school. So, for much of my life change was scary, threatening, and something to be avoided.

Now that I’ve done the hard work of getting in touch with my feelings and no longer plan excessively in order to control my emotions, I understand that change is persistent, healthy, and uncontrollable. There is a timeless quote attributed to Heraclitus: “The only constant in life is change.” Such wisdom in that little phrase.

Although it’s irrational, I see now that I feared change because of this unrealistic idea that those feelings of discomfort and unsettledness would persist, forever. It was really the emotions that change evoked that I was avoiding, not the change itself.   But, ironically, feelings change all the time. People adapt. What is scary and disorienting at one stage of life, then become the normal, routine, predictable things in the next stage.

Dropping off Sienna at her elementary school was new and made me feel anxious and unsure of myself for several weeks. Then, it became normal and routine. This summer was her third year in the Extended Student Services “ESS” summer program. I know the drill and it has felt happily familiar as I dropped her off and picked her up each day.

Realizing that feelings are always changing was a huge revelation for me. In The Happienss Trap, Dr. Harris says that emotions are like the weather – they’re always changing. When I was feeling down, this insight provided hope that I’d be happy once again. When I’m feeling good, it’s a reminder not to hold on too tight, this feeling will inevitably pass.

Feelings are always changing and so are we. Imagining situations that may arise in the future and fearing how those circumstances will make us feel is the cause of most worry and anxiety. The thing is, even if that exact situation occurred, we don’t know how we’d feel about it in the future. Not only do circumstances change, but we change. What is scary or devastating to us in our imagination, may not be that awful when it actually occurs, sometime in the future. This is another reason why it’s fruitless to worry or try to control our feelings. Instead, it’s much healthier to live as The Serenity Prayer says: “Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time…” You simply can’t know how you’re going to feel or react to any future circumstances. But you can pray and trust that God will be there to support and strengthen you, whatever happens down the road.

Whenever I spend time thinking about change, I will eventually hear the lyrics to an old Patty Loveless song that goes: “Life’s about change and nothing ever stays the same…” There’s a poignancy and rawness to that line that never fails to touch my heart.

Last week we saw the Disney movie Inside Out.  It was awesome!  I laughed. I cried. I loved it.

Part way through the film, Dennis leaned into me and whispered, “This movie is your life.  It reminds me of what you went through.”

“I know!  If only this movie was out two years ago,” I replied.

Without giving the entire movie away, the story is about Riley, an 11 year-old girl, and her personified emotions: Joy, Fear, Disgust, Anger, and Sadness.  Each emotion is a character in Riley’s mind that dictates how she’s feeling.  They run Riley’s emotional life from Headquarters and store her memories, which are little marbles in Riley’s head. There’s a fair amount of sophisticated psychology behind the childlike interworking’s of Riley’s mind. It’s very clever.

The drama of the movie comes when Riley’s family moves across the country and she tries to put on a happy face while all the core aspects of her personality are challenged by this major change.  Joy tries to convince the other emotions that Riley needs to “Think positive!” and be happy, rather than let Fear, Sadness, Anger, or Disgust run the controls.

The epiphany that Joy (and Riley) discover is the same lesson I learned over the past couple years: you have to let yourself feel the entire spectrum of your emotions.  You can’t truly feel joy if you don’t allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, fear, disgust, or any other emotion.  Once Riley lets herself cry and be sad, she felt the comfort and love of her parents.  That scene reminded me of the connection between sorrow and gratitude.  They are deeply intertwined; you can’t get rid of one without destroying the other.

Another thing that struck me about this movie was how many of the emotions are considered “negative”.  Out of the five feelings, only Joy is acceptable in our day and age.  Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust are not considered pleasant emotions and therefore people spend a lot of time trying to avoid or minimize the time they spend feeling them.

When we returned home from our trip, I flipped though a couple pages of The Happiness Trap, just to see what insights grabbed me.  Sienna saw the book on the couch and read the title aloud, “The Happiness Trap?”

“Yep.  The lesson in this book is basically the same as Inside Out: You have to let yourself feel all of your emotions, instead of just trying to stay happy.  That’s the trap.” I told her.

She smiled and nodded, knowingly.

***

Have you seen the movie yet?  What did you think??

It’s been a little while since I posted something new here.  The past couple weeks have been full and fun.  Sienna’s school year ended and then Gaga came to visit.  We got to hear all about Gaga’s amazing European adventure, Dennis and I had a wonderful date night, and we took the kids to the pool a couple times.  We had a laidback, relaxing transition into summer.

During this time, I have embraced being present and as a result, I learned something new along my journey of awakening…

When I first realized that I had an issue with needing to control my feelings through planning and spending an excessive amount of time thinking, analyzing, (i.e. “in my head”), I had to learn to be comfortable in the moment.  As I practiced defusion, expansion, and connection – I still had a tendency to hold on to specific thoughts that made me feel better.  The thoughts were perhaps healthier and more helpful, but still it was an intellectual or mental exercise.

However, I did have times where I embraced the moment and felt surprising feelings that were genuine, inspiring, and poignant.  I liked feeling things deeply again.  I felt more alive.  True, I’d also sometimes feel down, but then the joyful moments felt more special and real.

I realize now that when I said I was “happy all the time” what I actually felt was a sense of control over my thoughts and feelings.  Control made me feel okay.  But, it didn’t truly make me feel happy.

Thoughts and feelings are not the same thing.  In order to feel, you actually have to stop thinking.  Contemplating something means you’ve retreated into your mind; you can’t pay attention to both your thoughts and the sensations in your body, at the same time.

I’ve noticed this with sunsets.  We have a great view of the sunset from our backyard, so I’ve had many different experiences with them.  Sometimes my mind is constantly going, telling my how beautiful it is, how peaceful this ought to make me feel, how lucky we are to have this view, etc.  Other times, I just look.  I breathe.  I notice the palm trees in the distance, the different layers of colors, the fog rolling in from the coast, the sound of the birds in the trees.  I experience the sunset and do not have any preconceived ideas on how it should make me feel.

So, that’s the next revelation for me.  In order to be in touch with my feelings, I have to be present and connected to the moment.  Thoughts come and go all the time, of course.  It’s not about controlling my thoughts, it’s about not giving my thoughts so much attention.

Life is to be experienced; to be felt.  My loved ones are to be seen, heard, and held.  Listening to Sienna’s stories or entering Teo’s game is how I can really be their mom and show I care, rather than simply thinking about how much I love my children. Taking Holy Communion and participating in the divine liturgy are how I connect with Christ, much more than in my moments of contemplation about God.  Going to the funeral of someone we never met in support of our church family is deeply fulfilling and allowed us to teach Sienna about death in a way that no intellectual conversation ever could.

A line from The Happiness Trap says: “Get out of your head and into your life!”  I’ve had that line pop into my mind like a little mantra lately.  When I’m distracted by my thoughts and pulled out of the moment, sometimes reciting that is all it takes for me to let go and reconnect.