Month: March 2014

To further develop the concept of defusion, Dr. Harris begins the chapter entitled “Look Who’s Talking” by asking readers: when you’re not listening to someone and you claim to be “somewhere else” – where are you?

Haven’t we all had this experience? You’re present in a certain moment, but your mind has wandered. For me, it often happens in the car. I’ll put a song on and intend to listen to the lyrics. A couple minutes later I’ll realize the song is almost over and I didn’t recall hearing it. My thoughts had hooked me and took me “somewhere else”.

His explanation of this phenomenon is that there are two different parts of yourself: the “thinking self” (commonly referred to as your mind) and the “observing self”.  The thinking self is that part of you that thinks, plans, makes judgments, etc. While the observing self is responsible for awareness, attention, and focus. The observing self can observe thoughts coming and going from our minds, but it doesn’t produce thoughts.

Harris provides an illustration of how our thinking and observing selves function by describing the process of viewing a sunset. When you first see a sunset there may be a few moments where you are entirely focused on just observing the view. Then, your thinking self starts the commentary: “Wow, this is so beautiful! I should grab my camera. This reminds me of that sunset on the beach last summer.” Etc. Your attention is now on the thoughts, judgments, and noise coming from your mind and therefore you’re not fully focused on what you are observing.

To experience this dichotomy directly, Harris outlines an exercise that goes like this:

Close your eyes for one minute and simply notice what your mind does. Stay on the lookout for any thoughts or images as if you were a wildlife photographer waiting for an exotic animal to emerge from the undergrowth.

What you’ll notice is that there are two distinct processes happening: the thoughts or images in your mind and your observation of those thoughts or images. You can distinctly say, “There’s a thought and there it goes, out of my mind.”

So, how does this relate to defusion?

First, this realization helps you understand that you are not your thoughts. Thoughts come and go and they don’t necessarily deserve your attention. Attention and focus are from another part of you that can allow you to stay in the present moment, without passing judgment.

Defusion is the state when you can let your thoughts play in the background, like a radio that you’re not really listening to. You know that the music is playing, but you don’t have to listen unless you like the song. In other words, if the thought is helpful and is going to help you live a life you value then you tune in and pay attention to it. If the thought is unhelpful, then you just let it be without focusing on it.

As Harris explained earlier, human minds have evolved for survival, not happiness. Therefore, a lot of your thoughts are really warnings about things that may do you harm, reminders of bad memories, or criticisms about yourself. He calls this “Radio Doom and Gloom” in this chapter. Most “positive thinking” psychology advises you to change your thinking by broadcasting a positive radio show (aka “Radio Happy and Cheerful”) over Radio Doom and Gloom. In my experience, this type of thinking just sets up an internal duel between positive and negative thoughts. When I was in the depth of my anxiety last summer, I’d often experience mental debates where I’d argue with unpleasant thoughts by coming up with lots of reasons why the thought wasn’t true. In the end, the thought wasn’t true or false, and I certainly wasn’t accepting it; therefore, the thought would come back for another round of debate, regularly.

To practice defusion, Dr. Harris gives readers another exercise that can be done anywhere, at anytime.  It’s simply called Ten Deep Breaths:

Take ten deep breaths, as slowly as possible. (You may prefer to do this with your eyes closed.)  Now focus on the rise and fall of your rib cage and the air moving in and out of your lungs… Now let any thoughts and images come and go inthe background, as if they were cars passing by outside your house.  When a new thought or image appears, briefly acknowledge its presence, as if you were nodding at a passing motorist… You may find it helpful to silently say to youself, “Thinking,” whenever a thought or image appears.

From time to time a thought will capture your attention; it will “hook you” and “carry you away” so that you lose track of the exercise.  The moment you realize you’ve been hooked, take a second to notice what distracted you; then gently “unhook” yourself and focus on your breathing.

This process of unhooking myself from thoughts was transformative!  I’d previously given my thoughts too much power and importance.  Being able to accept a thought without having to struggle with it, prove it wasn’t true, or otherwise reason it away, has been fundamental to my growth and awakening.

As I reread this chapter, it occurred to me that the thinking self and observing self align with the struggle of control versus trust. When you are thinking, judging, and planning you are striving to control your inner experience. This state leads to anxiety and that phenomenon of being “somewhere else” mentally. In contrast, the observing self is able to accept what is given and be present in the moment. The concept of surrendering versus striving was significant for me. And ultimately, because of my faith, this state of accepting, being present, and ceasing striving meant that I was trusting in the Lord for everything. I imagine that without faith in God, it would be much more difficult to embrace the concept of surrendering.

Part 2 of The Happiness Trap is where Dr. Harris outlines the Core Principles of ACT and thoroughly describes the practices that will improve your mental health and psychological flexibility.  The first of the core principles was perhaps the most beneficial for me.  It really helped me break the cycle of obsessive thinking and overanalyzing.  Principle one is called defusion – a way of “relating to your thoughts in a new way, so they have much less impact and influence over you.”

Let’s back up a bit… thoughts, according to Harris, are just words passing through your mind.  People typically give their thoughts way too much power.  Harris calls this chapter “The Great Storyteller” because our minds tell us stories all day long, and then we believe these stories and assume our thoughts are truth.   Actually, our thoughts are sometimes true (called “facts”) and sometimes false.  But, most of the thoughts that run through our minds are neither true nor false. Harris explains, “Most of them are either stories of how we see life (called “opinions,” “attitudes,” “judgments,” “ideals,” “beliefs,” “theories,” “morals,” etc.) or about what we want to do with it (called “plans,” “strategies,” “goals,” “wishes,” “values,” etc.).”

Personal note- When I reflect on my life pre-awakening, it’s clear that a lot of my thoughts were in these categories.  Planning, goal setting, and dreaming about the future were my go-to thoughts.  Believing that these thoughts were true and the essence of my life was the coping mechanism that hurt so much to lose.

Harris describes that thoughts should not be given such power because “stories are not the event.” There’s a difference between witnessing an event and recalling it in your mind later.  When folks are dealing with thoughts that are stuck to the event they refer to – they are experiencing fusion.  It works like this: thoughts are reality, truth, important, wise, and can be threatening.  Therefore we believe them, take them seriously, obey them, give them our full attention, and feel the need to get rid of them.

Say someone is dealing with painful thoughts like, “I’m never going to succeed at this” or (in my case) “I cannot stay in the moment.”  When you’re experiencing fusion, this thought is reality and truth.   In order to reduce the influence of this thought, you must learn to defuse the thought and the event (fact) itself.  Harris repeatedly points out that the goal in ACT is not to “get rid” of the thought – that just leads you back to the control strategies that don’t work (remember we don’t have control over our thoughts).  Instead, through ACT, you’re learning to accept your thoughts and let them come and go on their own.

Here are the techniques I found most useful for defusing your thoughts:

1. Add the words “I’m having the thought that…” before the thought that’s bothering you.  For example, if you think “I am not a good mother.”  Change that to “I’m having the thought that I’m not a good mother.”  Then try, “I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m not a good mother.”  With these phrases, you’re creating distance between yourself and your thoughts. The thought is merely words passing through your mind; they’re not necessarily true.
2. Thanking your mind.  When your mind starts to tell you stories that are bothersome, just acknowledge that your mind is trying to catch your attention.  Saying, “Thanks mind!” and letting those thoughts come and go helps you to accept what’s happening in the moment but also stops the process of ruminating on the thought or arguing with yourself about whether the thought is true or not.

There are several other techniques in the book, such as setting your thoughts to music, not taking your thoughts seriously (by replacing key words with other words, kind of like Mad Libs), and restating your thoughts in silly voices.  All of these exercises basically help you to see your thoughts for what they are – just words passing through your mind.  Harris also likens thoughts to the cars that pass by your house.  You don’t usually stop to acknowledge that a car is driving by your house, they just pass by. That’s how you should view your thoughts when you’re in state of defusion.

Defusion is one of the principles that lead to acceptance within ACT.  Harris explains that acceptance is “about embracing life, not merely tolerating it.”  As he describes the true meaning of acceptance, he quotes the Serenity Prayer.  I was so excited to see this because I’d previously made the connection that this book was a practical application of this prayer.  Both illuminate that you should take action to change the things that they can, accept the things you cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Awesome.

As I mentioned above, defusion can easily become another control strategy, if you use it with the expectation that it will make your bothersome thoughts go away.  I fell into this trap several times when I first attempted defusion techniques.  My desire was to get rid of the thoughts that were making me anxious and unhappy so I defused them hoping they’d leave quickly.  Harris says that it’s okay to want to get rid of the thought, but that’s different than actively struggling with it.  Accepting that it’s there and, most importantly, seeing it for what it is – just words in your mind, means that you can still not like it but you’re not fighting the thought.

Part One: How we Set the Happiness Trap

Here’s a quick quiz!  Answer true or false to the following:

1. Happiness is the natural state for all human beings
2. If you’re not happy, you’re defective
3. To create a better life, you must get rid of negative feelings
4. You should be able to control what you think and feel

What do you think?

According to Dr. Harris, these are all false.  They are the four myths that setup our illusion of control over our thoughts and feelings, therefore setting up the happiness trap.

It works like this: we believe that happiness is normal and that we can control our thoughts and feelings (therefore avoiding negative thoughts and feelings). Harris explains that buying into these myths sets “us up for a struggle we can never win: the struggle against our own human nature.  It’s this struggle that builds the trap.”

A thorough questionnaire follows.  It lays out 15 sets of statements, asking readers to choose which they identify with more.  In reviewing my answers from the summer, I can see how very strongly I’d bought into the illusion of control over my thoughts and feelings.  A few of the statements I chose were:

• I must have good control of my feelings in order to be successful in life.
• Anxiety is bad.
• Negative thoughts and feelings will harm you if you don’t control or get rid of them.
• The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to analyze them; then utilize that knowledge to get rid of them.

By buying into the illusion of control, we can easily begin a vicious cycle of using control strategies that do not work, and in fact only increase the negative thoughts and feelings.  Dr. Harris provides examples of some classic feelings that people try to control, such as: you avoid confronting a deteriorating marriage (which then causes the distance between you and your spouse to grow), avoiding social situations when you have anxiety about them (which makes you feel more alone and isolated), or you feel badly about being overweight and use food to ease the pain (thereby making the weight problem worse).   There are endless ways that people use strategies to control the way they feel.

Dr. Harris asks readers to take the first step to increase their self-awareness by noticing all the things you do each day to avoid or get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings; and also notice the consequences.  Here were my thoughts this past summer:

Clearly some of these control strategies are more harmful than others.  The last one is what really pushed my personal happiness trap to an unhealthy level.

In this section, Dr. Harris addresses the potential argument that some of the control strategies may actually be positive.  Such as exercising to get rid of stress or immersing yourself in a hobby to avoid sadness, anxiety, or depression.  He explains that the issue is one of motivation.  If your main purpose for engaging in an activity is to avoid or get rid of unpleasant feelings, it won’t feel very rewarding.  However, “activities can be deeply satisfying if you do them because they are genuinely important and meaningful to you.”

This distinction is important for him to make early on because ACT is built around the idea that you have a lot of control over your actions (and much less control over your thoughts and feelings).  Therefore, taking actions that align with your values is a main component in this therapy.  The point here is that these activities must be done from a place of acceptance of thoughts and feelings, rather than as a distraction or avoidance technique.

The introduction to The Happiness Trap starts with the basic questions: what is the happiness trap? And, even more generally, what do we mean by “happiness”?

Happiness is typically defined by people as “feeling good”.  Sensations of well being, positive thoughts, and the lack of pain are inferred by this definition.  However, the fact is that life involves pain and discomfort.  Therefore, the cultural obsession with staying happy or feeling good is in opposition to your real thoughts and feelings.

Most self-help books are a twist on the same theme – positive thinking.  The Happiness Trap argues that, instead of struggling with your thoughts or feelings, you should accept the thoughts and feelings that run through your mind and body all the time.  More importantly, come to grips with the fact that thoughts are just words and feelings are just sensations.  You don’t have to fear them or give them a lot of power.

The trap, therefore, is thinking that you have to stay happy and avoid or control the negative thoughts and feelings that inevitably enter your life.  Dr. Harris explains that, from an evolutionary standpoint, human brains are wired for survival rather than happiness.  The mind constantly provides a list of dangers that one should avoid and compares oneself to others within the social group – things that allowed early humans to survive but are not conducive to happiness in the modern world.

At the heart of it, ACT therapy is about acceptance of one’s thoughts and feelings rather than struggling with or trying to change them.  This concept has been radical for me!  It also aligns very well with the Christian idea of surrendering my life to Christ and His will.

The introduction closes with a roadmap to the rest of the book.  Part One is entitled “How you set the Happiness Trap” – it’s relatively short and details how we become fixated on happiness and then start to fear and avoid negative feelings.  The second part is where Dr. Harris details the Six Core Principles of ACT – providing all of the practices that allow you to gain “psychological flexibility”.  Finally, the third part is about “Creating a Life Worth Living”.  Here, Dr. Harris provides guidance on living in accordance with your values and troubleshoots living the ACT principles in your everyday life.

The idea that I really embraced within the introduction was that “happiness” is an emotion, and like all emotions, it’s fleeting.  Later, Dr. Harris will liken feelings to the weather.  There’s always some weather condition in our lives, but it changes all the time.  In contrast to seeking this fleeting type of happiness, this book encourages us to seek the less common happiness definition of “living a rich, full, and meaningful life.”  Dr. Harris goes on to explain that “… such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we life a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.”

When I began reading this book for the first time, the idea of feeling the full range of human emotions was very foreign.  I’d spent several years convincing myself that “happy” was the only safe and comfortable emotion.  But, as the months unfolded, I came to realize what I was calling “happy” was really just contentment.  By turning off all the negative, low emotions, I’d also dulled my ability to feel high or truly happy.

Life is so much fuller when you allow yourself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions.