Uncategorized

To the Class to 2026…

kelseybonilla

I had the honor of presenting the final “charge” to the senior class at their graduation yesterday. Here’s what I said:

Looking at you all today, as you are about to close one chapter of your life and begin the next, I can’t help but remember you as the 8th graders I met when we were all masked that fall and winter of 2021! What I mostly recall from your 8th-grade class was the grace and patience you extended to me, as a first-year teacher. 

By 9th grade, you were my older, more mature students, and I received your grace again as my mom battled cancer, and I made several trips up north to take care of her. You showed such loving concern, even making special care packages for my mom.  I’ll always remember the sympathetic looks you gave me, back in class, as I shared my feelings. Then, as the semester ended, many of you boys lifted my spirits with your spectacular car ride rendition of a Bruno Mars song! As a class, you are delightfully fun, light-hearted, and compassionate.  

Getting a chance to reunite this year in American Government class was such a joy! I hope we can all agree that we’ve grown a lot since those initial years together. And that’s what I want to focus on in this charge: growth. Or, more specifically, how to embrace the messy and emotional process of growing.

As we stand here, celebrating the completion of your Cambridge education, you should rightly feel proud and accomplished. But I hope you don’t feel done growing because, I’m sorry to tell you, the process of growth is a lifelong one. 

When you start college, everything will be new, and you’ll feel like a beginner. Places and people will be unfamiliar, and you’ll have to face those challenging feelings about where you fit in and how to find your people. Then, you’ll begin to feel comfortable and settled in that space, just in time to graduate and head into your first job, where you’ll again be starting at the beginning. The same can be said if you get married and have children.  You’ll be new at marriage, new at parenting, and then the kids will start growing. The skills you’ll have mastered for raising toddlers will not qualify you for raising teenagers. Then, just as you get that down, they’ll grow up, and you’ll have to learn how to be an empty-nester!  On the career front, the skills that will make you successful in an entry-level position won’t suffice for a more senior role. Then, if you decide to change careers, you’ll be facing a whole new learning curve!   

So, we’ve established that you’ll be growing and learning throughout your life, and in each phase you “won’t know what you don’t know”.  In other words, life is complex, and understanding will reveal itself to you slowly, over time. But let’s be honest, the “not knowing” is a hard place to be. 

Let me suggest that, rather than being paralyzed by the unknown, you can embrace it and turn to God for assurance. Proverbs 3:5-6 says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  This verse has such sweet gospel comfort, but let’s focus on the line that can easily be skipped over: “Do not lean on your own understanding”. As you graduate today from a school that’s promised to teach you how to “Think Well,” it may seem odd to caution you not to trust your own understanding, but hear me out. 

As you enter this next chapter, I encourage you to remember that one of the normal parts of being human is realizing how limited we are. We are finite creatures, which means we do not have enough wisdom, strength, or insight in ourselves to carry life on our own. But that limitation is not meant to lead us to despair; it is meant to lead us to dependence. There is deep comfort in knowing that God does not ask us to be self-sufficient or all-knowing. He provides what we need, and His grace is enough for every season of growth, uncertainty, and change. 

In his book, Grace Upon Grace, Pastor John W. Kleinig says, “The righteous do not know their own way; they do not see where they are going; they travel on an unseen journey with an unseen guide. But the Lord knows their way; invisibly He leads them step-by-step along their way with Him.”  

Part of God’s faithfulness in guiding your journey is by placing specific people around you in each season of life. So, in addition to continually praying for guidance, you should ask questions and seek mentors. Talk to your elders – parents, teachers, pastors, friends. Ask people to be honest with you and be willing to feel the emotions that will inevitably arise. Being honest about your need for support is a vulnerable place to be. You may be tempted to hide your feelings of inadequacy or the fear of not being enough.  Please don’t. Those moments in life, when you’re confronted with your brokenness and don’t see how to move forward, are the places where people can come alongside you to carry the burden. They may not do it perfectly, but true intimacy and connection are formed when you enter those hard conversations and confront what is usually unspoken. 

Ultimately, I’m asking you to ponder and embrace the wisdom of Paul in Ephesians 4:15, “Speaking the truth in love, we are able to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” Not only should you find people who are willing to speak the truth in love to you, but you also should be willing to experience the discomfort of being honest with your friends who likewise need the truth spoken lovingly to them. My prayer for you is that God will provide people who will kindly tell you what you need to know as you encounter each new phase of life.  

I know I speak for all of your teachers when I say, we’ll be here rooting for you and so excited to see how you’ll continue to grow in this next chapter of your life. 

Let’s end this charge with our special word this year, which fittingly means, “Let’s go!” 

Andiamo!  

Home and Family, My Awakening

This is the Good Stuff.

kelseybonilla

On Monday afternoon, everyone in our family seemed a little down. Maybe just bored on our first full day of spring break, or feeling isolated after too much time alone. Whatever the cause, I found myself inviting Sienna to come help me make dinner, and Mateo soon joined us in the kitchen. I prepared the chicken dish and showed Sienna some of the steps. Soon, she and Teo were chatting and giggling. We all sat down to dinner at the dining table (a less routine event in the busyness of school and sports during the week); you could see everyone’s spirit lifting as we connected with one another.

During my New Year’s intention setting, I noted that I wanted to use our fire pit more in 2026. I could count on one hand the number of times we’d actually ignited the fire during the first few months of the year. At the end of dinner, I suggested we put a fire on and go outside. Sienna and Teo, in their bonded state, looked at each other and said, “Yes, let’s do it!”

As I changed into warmer clothes, I felt a bit of resistance to the fire pit plan. Dennis and I had developed a routine over the past few years of winding down with either a Hallmark movie, House Hunters International, or a sporting event. Sitting outside, around the fire pit, felt like a less certain way to unwind. Thankfully, I dismissed this habitual urge and joined my kids around the already roaring fire.

What followed was perhaps the most precious, memorable, and engaging evening I’ve spent in a long, long time!

Sienna and Teo started talking about their “core” childhood memories, reciting a list of some of their favorite moments over the years. They started with the summer routine of watching The Sound of Music at Gaga’s house. They recounted moments of sleepovers with their cousins and reminisced about their annual trips to Humboldt County to visit family. Next, they noted our many trips to Disneyland, and particularly the fun of getting up early or being surprised with an unexpected Disneyland trip when they were little. More memories flowed out of them, like Christmas mornings; then Mateo reflected on all the imaginative games Sienna would invent for them to play when they were younger.

I remarked that their imaginative play was such a joy during the Covid lockdown months. This led us to look at photos and videos on my phone from the spring of 2020. Apparently, they’d often borrow my phone during those months and took many slow-motion videos of themselves. Typically, the “scene” was a stuffed-animal pillow fight, with them throwing stuffed animals at one another on Teo’s bed. Hilarity ensued as we watched these videos! They were so little six years ago!

From backyard campouts to tea parties, archery in the backyard, Dad spraying them with the hose on a hot evening, to home pedicures for Mom, this season was one of deep connection. As we reflected on that particular season of life, I sat in rapt attention as our teenagers commented on the joyfulness of their childhood. They expressed enthusiasm for the kinds of moments you hope are shaping your children in edifying ways, as they occur, but you don’t often get to hear their reflections.

Everything about this evening felt special, as if God were telling me, “Here. See this now. This is the good stuff.”

Lutheranism

The Very Bread of Life

kelseybonilla

The Lenten season has been one of both repentance and surrender. It’s been equal parts challenging and fulfilling as I remember the peace that comes from resting in the love of Christ and the grace of God in the everyday moments.

A couple morning ago, the daily lectionary invited me to read Mark 8:14-21. I discovered such a rich and beautiful Bible story that doesn’t get nearly the attention it deserves. The episode occurs just after Jesus feeds the Four Thousand and involves his disciples worrying over their lack of bread.

Now they had forgotten to bring bread, and they had only one loaf with them in the boat. And he cautioned them saying, “Watch out, beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod.” And they began discussing with one another the fact that they had no bread. And Jesus, aware of this, said to them, “Why are you discussing the fact that you have no bread? Do you not yet perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?” They said to him, “Twelve.” “And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?” And they said to him, “Seven”. And he said to them, “Do you not yet understand?” (Mark 8: 4-12)

This story, when you simplify it, is pretty funny. The disciples have just seen Jesus turn a few loaves of bread into enough to feed 5,000 with leftovers, and then again, to feed 4,000 with leftovers, yet they’re still worried about running out of bread!

Reading this, I felt seen in my ridiculous humanity. I’ve fallen into patterns of behavior that I’ve previously addressed by surrendering my need for control and trusting in God. Why did I end up back in this place of self-reliance and worry? Seeing that the disciples, who were literally with Christ in the flesh, likewise failed to trust His provision, makes me feel a little bit better.

My Lutheran Study Bible has a great explanation to accompany these verses: “The disciples remember their lack of bread but forget about the One who is with them, the very Lord and Creator of all. At times we are similarly hard-hearted and shortsighted, focusing so much on our need for daily bread that we forget to call upon Jesus, the very bread of life. Nevertheless, Jesus patiently teaches his disciples, showing over and over that He alone can satisfy our deepest needs.”

Praying that your Lenten season is a blessing to you too.

Books Worth Reading, Home and Family, Uncategorized

Nesting.

kelseybonilla

Coming into the New Year, I felt called to a very specific intention for 2026: stay home and rest more. 2025 had been a year of growth and exploration and a lot of joy, but I was tired and in need of slow, quiet times at home. The word that captured this season best was nesting.

Typically, “nesting” is associated with the behavior of pregnant women who are eagerly awaiting the birth of a child and trying to get everything done so that their “nest” is ready to receive a new baby. With my “kids” turning 18 and 15 as we celebrated the New Year and their birthdays, “nesting” for me was more about creating the coziness and restorative space for all four of us (plus the dogs!) to rest, connect, and be still in God’s goodness and grace.

A plant in our yard that I noticed after our run.

My “goals” for this year included reading a lot more, scrolling on my phone A LOT less, cooking more slow meals, and scheduling a “Nesting Day” once a month. The only criteria for a Nesting Day was that I wouldn’t drive anywhere that day. I was staying home (maybe going on a walk or run) and just being and resting in our “nest”. Today was my first Nesting Day and I’ve been relishing it!

Teo and I went on a run this morning (my first in a while after battling a cold) and he went WAY faster than me, but it was a delightful time of meditative prayer and running. After getting cleaned up and enjoying a second cup of coffee, my day has included organizing my grading for the end of the semester, reading many pages of an incredible book, and showing Sienna how to make pot roast. The scent is enticing us all with two hours left to braise!

My sweet sister gave me the best Christmas present for this season, Sara Hagerty’s The Gift of Limitations: Finding Beauty in Your Boundaries. I’ve been loving the book and savoring it, particularly the timely message that the physical boundaries of our lives can be a blessing when we accept living within them. My year of nesting embraces this same sentiment, that my life in Christ, fulfilling the most important vocations of wife and mother, are spent in the cozy confines of our home. The more time, energy, and attention I can spend there in a spirit of restful reception, the better.

Just a week after my eye surgery in 2024, I’d heard a similar sentiment on a Higher Things podcast and noted this reminder in my phone: “Satan told Adam and Eve that limits were bad, they were the problem. But God know that our limits are good for us.” Striving to be a limitless is something I struggle with and not being able to see well was teaching me how limited I truly was.

Reading this book has reminded me of lessons I’ve learned and forgotten and put into words more recent stirrings as well. Some gems I’ve annotated include: “A heart settling into peace with its limitations has found genuine trust in God” (pg. 80). She also quoted Ruth Haley Barton’s book that I’d loved years ago, where she said, “If we did down a little deeper, we may see that our unwillingness to practice sabbath is really an unwillingness to live within the limits of our humanity, to honor our finiteness,” (pg. 136). Barton refers to sabbath as the ability to rest from our strivings and experience the emotions that come with admitting our neediness.

There are times when my prayers include “Lord, help me remember that I am finite, and you are not.” This posture invites me to rest and nest.

Toby understood the “Nesting Day” assignment.

Uncategorized

Andiamo!

kelseybonilla

It’s been nearly a year since I sat down to share a blog post here. There have been many moments when I considered it, but one thing or another got in the way. Life has been full in 2025, to say the least. But, thankfully after the challenge of lost vision in my left eye for the last four months of 2024, my vision returned over Christmas break and 2025 ushered in a season of hope.

As the New Year dawned, I felt a sense of time passing in an entirely new way. Perhaps the vision lost created a sense of vulnerability that helped me recognize that life wasn’t always going to be this way. I’d get older, my kids would grow up and start their independent lives, one day we wouldn’t all be headed off to school together. All around there seemed to be reminders that, as full and busy as life was now, this season would pass too.

During the middle of my vision loss season, I needed something to look forward to, so we planned two big trips in 2025. First, we got an amazing deal on a week-long trip to NYC over spring break! Dennis and I have incredibly fond memories of our NYC trip to see Sara Bareilles in Waitress in January 2018, a wonderful birthday gift from my dad and stepmom. We’d told the kids stories of that trip for years and really wanted them to experience the culture, history, and energy of the city! We knew we’d see a few Broadway shows but waited until we arrived to choose the shows and buy the tickets. In between trips to the MET, Ellis Island, the Statute of Liberty, the New York City Library, Macy’s, we enjoyed a quick walk from our Times Square adjacent hotel for three Broadway musicals – Hadestown, Hamilton, and The Great Gatsby! We really enjoyed them all! It was a wonderful trip with just the right balance of activity and downtime to relax as a family.

The other trip we planned in August of 2024 was a BIG trip! Like, the biggest and best we’ve ever taken and it would be both a celebration of 20 years of marriage and a “professional development” trip for my classes – we were off to Italy and Greece! Both Dennis and I have dreamt of visiting Italy for years and since I teach Classical Greek & Roman History and the Renaissance, both of these countries would provide rich experiences I could take back for my students. Win/win!

I would love to write many posts to share the details of this trip, so that’ll be a goal for 2026! Suffice it to say, for now, that it was an amazing experience that we treasure. We got to spend almost a month together without the additional responsibilities of being mom and dad, teacher or coach, and we cherished being reminded that we’re truly each other’s best friend. Exploring new places was exhilarating, we met some wonderful couples on our tour, and we love sharing those memories now that we’re back home. Also, the trip reinvigorated my love of teaching these subjects and I can feel that my excitement comes through in the classroom as I teach about places I’ve actually experienced for myself!

Our incredible tour guide, Joseph, taught us several Italian phrases during our trip. The most memorable for me was Andiamo which simply means “Let’s go!” He would use it consistently after giving us instructions or explanations and then when it was time to start walking somewhere, he’d call out Andiamo! and we’d respond: Andiamo! Then off we’d go. At one point it occurred to me that this word is a great transition word and I told Dave, another teacher on the trip, that it would be cool to use Andiamo as an indicator to myself and my students that it was time to start class. I can have a tendency to let the “catch-up” time at the beginning of class go on too long, so it would really be as much for me as the students to have a fun transition rather than saying, “Okay, let’s start class now…”

As the new school year started, I was intentional about teaching all my students, the 8th-graders, 9th-graders, and even my senior class, this call-and-respond phrase. I know they thought it was a bit silly and even cringy, but I’ve continued to use it and insist that they say it back, matching my level of enthusiasm! If they respond with a begrudging attitude or say it too morbidly, I say it again with even more zeal: Andiamo! They then muster up the energy and say it again. For me this one little word has so much joy packed into it, given my experiences in Italy. Now I’ve added a feeling of anticipatory joy as I convey to my students: Andiamo, let’s go, you’re about to learn something new!

Diabetes, Home and Family

Seeing Clearer.

kelseybonilla

Today at church we did our annual “New Years” toast during fellowship to honor the things we’ve experienced together as a church family over the past year. My contribution was easy. I thanked everyone, on behalf of our small youth group, for sponsoring our attendance at the Higher Things Conference: “Who Am I?” last June in Wisconsin. Then, I expressed gratitude for the prayers for my sight to be restored since my surgery in July. “I’m now able to see fully!” I reported, to sweet cheers from our church family.

On New Years Eve, we sit around the dining table and discuss the past year, aided by reviewing the photos in my phone! We talk about what stood out as significant events and important things we want to remember. Both Higher Things and my eye surgery, and subsequent vision loss, were high on the list this year.

Now that my vision is fully restored, it’s a challenge to reflect on what the four months of compromised vision was like. Human beings are very resilient and get used to a “new normal” to a certain extent so it’s not like I was in constant panic during those many months. Also, changes to the body are often gradual. After my third eye injection, my vision rapidly improved in my left eye over about two weeks in early November. My doctor told me at my December 10th appointment that I didn’t need a fourth injection, though the progress had seemed to plateau with a persistent gray veil remaining in my left eye. He was right! Over the next couple weeks, my vision continued to improve. One day last week, I was jogging at the park and realized I hadn’t seen so clearly in well over two years!

The best description I can offer is that I felt disconnected and disoriented most of the time from the beginning of July to about Thanksgiving. The blurriness and loss of peripheral vision, to the point that I couldn’t safely drive on the freeway for months, made me feel out of touch with the present moment. I could read, teach, prepare meals, exercise, watch TV, but the effort it took me to focus and interpret the visual input kept me slightly on edge. I was truly “going through the motions”. Also, rooms with very bright lights or high ceilings would be extremely hard to function in, keeping me from engaging with the people and activities around me.

I could feel the hope arise in me just before Thanksgiving break. I’d wake up each morning and test my vision to see how much more I could see from my left eye! The beautiful stained-glass at our church was a great barometer. At first, I could just see little dots of light which looked like Christmas lights in my left eye. Each Sunday for the next few weeks, the stained-glass images became more detailed. What a joy to see clearly!

December was a whirlwind of teaching, studying, planning, parties, shopping, decorating, and baking! I enjoyed all of it, but the pace of those three weeks of school between Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks was intense! I could feel myself struggling to relax into the break as I was so used to consulting my list and having the next thing to do demand my attention.

The past two weeks have been among the most joyful I’ve experienced in years! We spent time with friends and made calls home to family, but mostly we spent a lot of time just the four of us, and the dogs, watching Christmas movies, going to church, putting together puzzles, walking at the park while Teo shot baskets, baking, and eating (lots of eating!). The pace has been delightfully slow as I lost myself in reading, doing crosswords and completing a very hard puzzle in just a few days!

I know that the peace and joy I’ve experienced lately is partly due to the lessons I learned and relief I feel after experiencing vision loss for the second half of 2024! Even when I didn’t feel connected to the moment or intentional with my time, God was faithfully guiding me and helping me receive the gifts of service and prayer from my family and friends.

Now that I can see, my values and vocations are clearer than ever. I’m so grateful to engage with my family, friends, students, and fellow teachers as we embark into a near year. Happy 2025!

Home and Family, Lutheranism

Our 20th Anniversary!

kelseybonilla

On Wednesday, Dennis and I celebrated 20 years of marriage! As it was a weeknight, we took Teo to basketball practice and then had a quick sushi dinner and brief visit to the bookstore, pretty much our ideal date night!

The next day, I had another appointment with the retinal specialist, as we anticipated that another injection would be needed. Since I’m still not driving on the freeway and he knows I need the moral support, Dennis picked me up at school to head to the appointment. As we sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, as we have many times before, I started to reflect on how my idea of a “good marriage” has changed over time.

When you’re young and in love, marriage seems dreamy and romantic. We watch a love of Hallmark movies and the sense that this person was somehow made for you is reiterated time and again. Weddings are joyful and wonderful – we cherish the memories of ours! But, after the wedding, the marriage begins and it’s a daily negotiation of two people compromising, communicating, advocating for their needs, and trying to discern their spouse’s needs.

We’ve given our children the advice to “marry your best friend” because, in the end, as romantic and passionate as love is, you really want to enjoy being with this person you’ve committed to spending your life with. You want to enjoy the same things so you can have shared experiences that are meaningful for both of you. You have to share values and faith in order to have a bond that will withstand the hard times.

As Christians, we know that we’re both sinners and we’ll be constantly forgiving each other for our human limitations, selfishness, and sinfulness. We don’t expect our spouse to be perfect and fulfill our every need or “complete us”. Only God, through Jesus, does that amazing work. We live and love each day in the grace of Christ and try our best to extend the love and forgiveness we’ve received to one another. We love because he first loved us.

Back to the exam room at the eye specialist… I look across at Dennis and marvel at the beautiful and faithful way he has supported me over the past few years as I’ve dealt with retinopathy complications. First, he drove through the night to get me to the eye doctor in July 2022 when my first bleed had obstructed my vision while on a trip to Humboldt. He’s been my “designated driver” for the past four months, even driving a carload of House leaders to and from our leadership planning retreat in August since I couldn’t fulfill the driving duty. He’s come to every appointment with me, giving me encouragement and celebrating when I tolerated each eye injection (and a cortisone injection for my frozen shoulder!) I so feared. He knows me better than anyone so when he looks at me and says, “Good job! I’m proud of you!” it means so much.

We started planning a special trip to Italy and Greece next July to celebrate our 20 years of marriage while dealing with my ongoing vision loss. It has occurred to me how fitting it is that my acute need for Dennis’s support and assistance happened as we anticipated this marriage milestone. It’s a constant reminder that this is what marriage is all about. Knowing that you have someone in your corner who will sacrificially give, when you need it most, is more precious that any romantic gesture. There’s no calculation of what one person has given or done for the other, just a deep belief that we’ll both do the hard work of supporting, loving, and caring for one another as the need arises, by the grace of God.

Diabetes, My Awakening

Feeling Seen.

kelseybonilla

Yesterday I experienced an unexpected and delightfully tender moment with my class of 8th grade boys. Typically, Friday afternoon with a group of boys eager to get to the weekend is like herding cats while trying to woo them into paying attention and loving history! Here’s what happened yesterday…

At the beginning of class, I asked if anyone had a Joshua Tree permission slip for our trip later this fall. That led to a brief explanation that while I’m going as a chaperone, others would be coming too because I can’t scramble on the rocks due to ongoing vision loss in my left eye. (If you’re wondering, I still have total loss of vision in my left eye from surgery on July 5th. Which really deserves an entire post of its own, so I’ll work on that)!

I said, “Yeah, you need both eyes for depth perception, so that wouldn’t be very safe.”

Suddenly one of the boys, exclaimed “Mrs. Bonilla, try to put your two index fingers together in front of you like this,” as he demonstrated.

I followed his example (which now that I think about it is basically the sobriety test motion!) and my right finger overlapped my left instead of meeting at each of the tips. The boys all kind of gasped. I said, “Did you see that? Yeah, it’s hard to gauge depth with only one eye.”

The same student who asked me to try this test, called out “Everyone! Close one eye and try to do it!” They all obeyed his command (this kid has a lot of charisma!) and each one had the same experience of one finger being further in front and overlapping as they tried to put their fingertips together.

“Whoa!” they exclaimed as they looked at me with surprise and understanding.

“Wow, guys, I feel so seen!” I replied.

We then moved on to start our class, but this moment has stuck with me ever since. I meant exactly what I said – I felt seen. I felt understood and their attempt to relate to my experience meant so much to me. Since I’ve been dealing with this challenge all school year, I talk about it seldomly because it’s a downer and honestly, I do better when I just focus on the moment while teaching in the classroom rather than thinking about my vision.

But it has been hard and at times distracting. I feel vulnerable a lot of the time, especially when I’m unable to do something I want to do like drive for a field trip or play House volleyball! Experiencing their compassion and acknowledgement that I’m dealing with a challenging circumstance meant the world to me.

Diabetes, My Awakening, Uncategorized

Vulnerability & Mindfully Slowing Down

kelseybonilla

There’s a quote commonly attributed to Kierkegaard that goes: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” In other words, we don’t know what the future holds and we make decisions based on the information we have at the time.

When I wrote that post about not knowing the future back in mid-July, I fully expected to be able to see out of my left eye by now. In God’s good provision, he doesn’t let us know when we have a long ordeal ahead of us. We just have to live with the current reality and hope that things will improve.

When I saw my doctor for a follow-up about six weeks after my vitrectomy, he said “I would have expected the blood to have cleared by now, but it certainly hasn’t.” He did another ultrasound on my eye to check the retina, which looks good. He then comforted me by saying, “The blood isn’t hurting anything in your eye. I mean, other than you can’t see out of it.” It’s almost funny. Almost.

I knew deep down that the only next step was going to be an injection in my eye. Sure enough, that was his recommendation. The ironic thing is I had the surgery (which included more laser treatment and an injection) so I would be sedated and not cognizant of the needle going into my eye! Since we’d had many conversations about my needle phobia, my doctor advised that I get a Valium prescription from my GP and come back in a week for the injection.

As Dennis and I sat together in the doctor’s office, I felt so motivated to get the injection in hopes of restoring my vision that I almost told the doctor I could do it. But, honestly, I don’t think he would have let me based on prior conversations. Instead, I felt this calm, peaceful feeling descend on me as I imagined having the injection and conquering this fear (with some medicinal assistance!). It occurred to me that injections may be required to preserve my vision as I continue to live with retinopathy; not unlike accepting the need for injections of insulin when I was first diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes all those years ago.

A week of prayer accompanied a deepening sense of acceptance as I let myself imagine the injection and experienced less and less anxiety. I came home from pre-planning meetings at school on Thursday, the 22nd so Dennis could drive me to the appointment, since I’m still not driving on the freeways. When I came in the door, Dennis announced that Sienna and Mateo wanted to go with us, for moral support. I was moved that they wanted to be there (even just in the waiting room) while their mom conquered a fear. They have been very compassionate and supportive during this entire recovery period, so having them come along felt comforting for me.

There’s always a long ramp up to any eye procedure as they take images, dilate your eye(s), and then you wait for the doctor for a while. Dennis and I chatted while we marveled at the fact that I didn’t feel nervous. I was fully alert and aware of what was going to happen, without anxiety. Valium did its job! The injection was quick, and I felt okay, until the doctor said “Okay, it’s done” at which point I started to get lightheaded like I might pass out. Thankfully, the feeling passed pretty fast, and I felt such relief that I got the injection!

It’s been over a week since the injection, and I haven’t noticed any significant improvement in my vision. There’s some change in what I’m seeing in my left eye (a bit more light coming through) so I’m grateful for some progress. But, what’s mostly changing is my level of acceptance. Instead of focusing on what I’m missing right now, I’m prayerfully, mindfully focused on the new school year beginning and soaking up these moments of growth and transition with my children and my students.

I’m also trying to intentionally slow down and be present in the moment. Not seeing in one eye means that I can’t see what’s on my left side unless I turn my body to check. Last weekend my House had a beach clean-up event in the morning at La Jolla Shores. Being the last Saturday of summer, it was packed! Just before we left, I was down by the surf talking to a parent when one of the House Leaders called my name. I turned to talk to her, took one step forward, and a man on his cell phone (looking down and distracted) smashed into my left side. I wanted to burst into tears but was able to hold off for a few minutes to make a gracious exit. I felt so vulnerable.

Now, school has started, and we just returned from the House Retreat, which was fun and memorable, especially for my House who won the House Retreat Cup! The first week of school included a lovely opening convocation, Vocatio breakfast, and bonding with my students on the first day. All the normal parts of a school year beginning, and I felt largely present and engaged. But I still can’t see well. I still feel vulnerable often. My sweet fellow teachers were mindful of supporting me on the retreat, particularly since it was my first as Housemaster, so my responsibilities were constant. As I lay down to sleep on Thursday night, I thanked God for my safety and that of all our students at the retreat.

This condition has made the concept of “taking one day at a time” quite necessary. I’ve also tried to embrace the idea of really slowing down to intentionally move through space. Gripping handrails on stairs, watching my feet as I walk on mountain trials, trying not to multitask so I won’t get distracted and collide with something! There is goodness to be found in ceasing striving to do it all.

Uncategorized

Need.

kelseybonilla

I randomly flipped to a poem in Paul David Tripp’s collection My Heart Cries Out: Gospel Meditations for Everyday Life last night. The resonance was profound so I’m sharing it…

Need 
I don't need 
a crystal ball, 
a fortune teller,
a deck of cards,
a charismatic prophet, or
a look at the tea leaves.
I don't need 
to obsess about what's
around the corner,
down the road, or
about to surprise me.
I don't need to fear 
the unplanned,
the unexpected, or 
the unwanted. 
I don't need to 
live in the future, 
worry about what's not yet, or
try to figure out divine secrets.
I don't need to 
wish I could understand what I can't understand
or be paralyzed by what's unknown. 

I can live in the moment,
fight today's battles,
surrender my heart,
love my neighbor,
worship and serve.
I have been blessed by rest - 
rest that comes
not from figuring out the future,
deducing what is coming, and 
solving future mysteries.
No, I rest because the one
who has everything figured out
is my Father,
and he holds me and my future
in the hollow of his hand. 
-Paul David Tripp