Home and Family, My Awakening

“You’re Good.”

Self awareness and growth are two aspects of life that I value very much. But, they are not always easy and often come with some discomfort. The last couple weeks have been full of personal epiphanies and a fair amount of tears.

When I realized that I’m a Perfectionist, or an Enneagram Type 1, it helped clarify a lot of aspects of how I process thoughts and feelings. I definitely related to the desire to control and the harsh inner critic that is constantly telling me what I should do or what could be done better. I related less intensely to the passion of this type which is resentment or repressed anger. Also, I didn’t focus on the desire to “be good” and take responsibility for everything.

Through a recent situation at work, I recognized that I’d spun quite a story in order to preserve my belief that I was good and right. As I unpacked what happened and how I’d responded, it was very apparent that being “good” was the motivation behind my behavior. I’ve also come to see how often I take responsibility for the outcome of situations that are really not under my control. This isn’t the best quality as a manager, since one of my primary jobs is to hold others accountable for their work performance!

As I’ve been processes these experiences, I’ve spent a lot of time praying. I’ve been feeling unsettled and realized that I’ve strayed from many of my mindfulness practices that help me stay in the moment. Instead, I’ve been fused with my thoughts, aka “stuck in my head”. This is the pattern of my life. Surrendering and letting go usually takes a few days of prayer, defusing my thoughts, and accepting my feelings.

This morning, bright and early, I sat outside and read the Bible and a few pages of Thomas Merton’s No Man Is An Island. Merton describes “pure intention” as the desire for God’s will and “impure intention” as the desire for your own will. This passage struck me powerfully:

Only a pure intention can be clear-sighed and prudent. The man of impure intention is hesitant and blind. Since he is always caught between two conflicting wills, he cannot make simple and clear-cut decisions. He has twice as much to think about as the man who seeks only the will of God, since he has to worry about his own will and God’s will at the same time. He cannot be really happy, because happiness is impossible without interior freedom, and we do not have interior freedom to do what we please without anxiety, unless we take pleasure in nothing but the will of God.

thomas merton

Wow. When Dennis and the kids came out to the backyard a few minutes later, I read them this passage and asked Dennis, “Can you read me this every morning?” He replied, “Let’s post it up all over the house!” He knows me well.

Sienna asked me what that passage meant. As I described it, I explained, “Sometimes I really like to feel in control, but it pits my will against God’s, which causes me a lot of unnecessary frustration and anxiety.” She looked at me with her big brown eyes (I swear that child looks straight into my soul) and simply said, “You’re good.” Those words touched something inside me as I’d recently come to know how deeply I desire to be good. Tears sprang to my eyes as I gave her a hug.

These tender moments of connection truly give life meaning. These are the moments that I miss when I’m “in my head” being all efficient and under control. While a desire to “be good” is a helpful trait, it can quickly become all consuming. Always being good is impossible and leads me away from dependence on Christ’s righteousness and grace. God is good and His will is perfect.

All my seeking and striving finally rest when I rest in God.

Home and Family, My Awakening

Intention WITH Action.

While on a prayerful run Saturday morning, I let my thoughts ebb and flow. I’d returned from a three-night work trip where I had several epiphanies about my identity as a leader and how I choose to spend my time. Suddenly, a phrase popped into my head: “Intention without action.” Hmm, interesting. For the past couple years, I’d been thinking about living intentionally. Just that week, I’d heard myself tell my Team that I had intended to do something that I’d neglected to do. A lot of good intentions do! In order to be a strong manager and leader, I need to take action. Intentions are very similar to plans, they are a good starting point, but meaningless if not put into action.

Years ago, I had a similar realization that life happens in the here-and-now. Instead of getting all caught up in my thoughts, plans (and intentions!), the fullness of life occurs when I focus my attention and awareness on doing something, or taking action. This is especially true when it comes to building relationships. All the good thoughts within my mind about a person or how our relationship could improve never make an impact on the other person! They only know my heart by the things I do.

After my run, Sienna and I had a mother/daughter date, starting at the hairdresser. As we were getting ready to leave and outlining out day, she said, “And then, we can come home and rearrange the pictures on my walls, right?” I agreed we would. After a fun and full day, I’d started to settle into an evening of reading outside when Sienna reminded me about her bedroom project. So, I mustered up the energy to put my book down and go into her room. As she started to explain her vision, I could feel a little resentment simmering inside. I wanted to read and retreat into my own little world.

Thankfully, a small little voice (the Holy Spirit most likely!) suddenly reminded me of my morning lesson: What you really want is to spend time with Sienna. That intention doesn’t build a relationship, these actions do. Be here now. We proceeded to spend over an hour rearranging the art on her walls and matting several of her drawings onto card stock so they’d look more uniform and artistic as a group. She was delighted and the finished room is beautiful!

Just as we were finishing up in Sienna’s room, Mateo burst into tears. That morning he and Dennis had seen The Art of Racing in the Rain and several of the images were “scary” to him. It’s a really emotional film and he was having a hard time processing all the real life drama. I sat with Teo for quite awhile, just letting him cry and reminding him to breathe! Sienna started trying to cheer him up. We moved outside to the fire pit, where Sienna retold him stories from the Ramona Quimby books. Teo started giggling through his tears. Then they got blankets out and read together. I hated to have to break-up this sweet, bonding moment when it was way past their (already late!) summer bedtime.

“That was nice of Sienna to cheer you up,” I said to Teo as he was getting into bed.

“Yeah, it really helped,” he’d simply replied with the sweetest smile.

The next morning at church, I whispered into Sienna’s ear: “You were such a kind big sister to Teo last night.” She smiled.

Witnessing this interaction, I was reminded again that relationships are built on action. If Sienna had just intended to be a loving sister or thought loving words about her brother while he was sad, it would not have much impact on Mateo or his perception of their relationship. Instead, by putting her love into action through storytelling and reading for him, she conveyed love and care much more than words or intentions ever could.

Over the past six years, mantras have been very helpful for me as I practice letting go of control and being present. “Intention without action” didn’t have quite the right ring to it. As I prayed about this simple phrase, it transformed into an affirmative statement: “Intention WITH action”. Much better! I’m going to post this reminder in various spots so I’ll remember to put my intentions into action by doing the things that will build relationships, both at home and at work.

Happy Monday everyone! May today be full of meaningful actions for you.

Uncategorized

The Joy and Angst of Film Viewing

Yesterday afternoon, Dennis and I were trying to decide on a movie to see for our date night that evening. One of our favorite babysitters, Grace, is home from college for the summer; so we scheduled a date night just to have her babysit one more time! Going to the movies requires a bit more planning these days as all our local theaters have assigned seats. It’s a cool change, but you have to plan ahead unless you don’t mind craning your neck from the front row!

We’d heard good things about Once Upon a Time in Hollywood but I was a bit dubious. I’m not a Quentin Tarantino fan. My attempt at watching Kill Bill several years ago was quickly abandoned when the violence and disturbing images became too much for me. Visual images REALLY stick with me. I’ve been haunted by many movies over the years. My brother is an independent film producer but there are many of his films I cannot bring myself to see. I’ll force myself to endure something disturbing for my brother, not so much for Mr. Tarantino.

But, in an effort to embrace “feeling my feelings” (this is the same logic that caused me to watch The Shining a few years ago – a decision I’ve regretted ever since!) I said, “Let’s go for it!” and we purchased two tickets online. Then, I decided to Google “How much violence is in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” and found several reviews. Turns out that most of the violence is saved for the end of the movie, during the scenes of the Manson murders. As I read a few reviews, I was already repulsed.

“What was I thinking? I can’t watch this movie!” I exclaimed to Dennis.

“Okay, we don’t have to. Can you get a refund?” he replied.

Turns out, you can! I quickly clicked on the Fandango link and chose the “Our plans have changed” option. You forfeit your convenience fee, but the ticket price can be refunded. Whew, what a relief!

We decided to see the romantic comedy Yesterday instead – much more our pace! It was a delightful little film! The premise is a struggling musician in England has a head injury and wakes up in a world without The Beatles. His manager and longtime friend Ellie stands by his side as he recovers and starts performing The Beatles’ songs in local pubs. Jack ends up becoming super famous for these songs and he has to decide whether to continue with this lie or return to a more fulfilling, smaller life back in England.

I’m not a big fan of The Beatles. I know that’s not a popular thing to say! I just didn’t listen to them very much growing up and haven’t listened to a lot of their music since. But, of course everyone knows their songs! Seeing this movie gave me a new appreciation for their music. I also loved the quirky dynamic between the two main characters – Jack and Ellie. And best of all, I had a lovely restful night without being haunted by scary images. To thine own self be true!

Home and Family

Fun Ways to Pass the Time on Family Road Trips…

Who doesn’t love a good family road trip?! We are big fans and our little ones are pretty good travelers. However, since we’re a decidedly low-tech family and don’t bring any screens along, we inevitably need some games or activities to pass the time. On our way back from Arizona last year, Mateo asked us to tell him “everything that happened” between our wedding and his birth. That tale passed a lot of time! Another fun car activity is just listening to music. I have the fondest memories of little Teo singing along with Alan Jackson to “When Somebody Loves You”. Alan Jackson is our favorite!

This year, we stumbled upon a couple new “games”. Teo came up with the first one, which we’re dubbing The Favorites Game. We each took turns coming up with a category, such as “type of dog” or “color” or “tree” then everyone went around the car sharing their favorites. We covered several topics, including state in the U.S., country, song, movie, etc. You get the idea! Although Dennis had to be somewhat prodded into playing along, this is actually pretty fun and insightful!

The other activity isn’t really a game, but the kids kept referring to it that way. As we were listening to Pandora, whichever adult wasn’t driving became the D.J. while we took turns requesting songs. Obviously, this can go on for hours! The variety of music was really fun as Teo methodically chose every Journey song he knew then several Queen songs. Dennis kept us guessing with selections from various genres and eras. Sienna kept choosing musical numbers from the new Aladdin movie and the animated ballet movie Leap!

Part of the fun is anticipating what each other will select. It’s also fun to plan ahead to what surprising song you’ll request next. The kids kept exclaiming things like: “I know the next three songs I’m going to pick!” At one point, as we approached Oxnard, I thought to myself: I’ll pick Green Day’s “21 Guns” next. A minute later it was Dennis’s turn and he chose 21 Guns! “Crazy, I was just thinking of that song!” I exclaimed.

As we sat in Southern California summer weekend traffic on our return trip home, our musical request “game” morphed into something new. Dennis chose a song from the Les Miserables movie soundtrack, which prompted the kids to start asking about the story. We ended up playing nearly the entire soundtrack while taking mini breaks between songs to explain what was happening and filling in context. This was super fun! Since we’ve really fallen in love with musicals, this will surely provide hours of entertainment in future family road trips!

What games or activities do you play on road trips?

Lutheranism

Grace Never Asks for Perfection

When I dig deep into my heart and look closely at my tendency to try to control my life, I often feel sheepish and silly. Perfectionism is such a ridiculous condition for a Christian! I believe that we are all sinners: …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. (Romans 3: 23 – 25). But, then I so easily slip into behaviors that reflect different beliefs. These include striving to improve myself, ordering my external and internal worlds, and seeking to do the “good” and “right” thing at all times. In other words my actions take on the utmost importance in my life as I basically tell God, “Thanks for everything! I’ve got it from here…”

In Chapter 5 of Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus concludes the challenging directive to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you… by announcing: You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:48). Yikes! Doesn’t that just sound condemning! I absolutely cannot be perfect enough for God’s standards. Fortunately, God knew this and provided an answer to our human condition by sending Jesus to be the substitute and propitiation for our sins. He upheld the law of perfection and, when we’re united to Him, His perfect righteousness covers our sinful hearts.

There is rhetoric within Christian communities that promotes the idea that we need to earn God’s favor through our actions. Our former pastor referred to these practices as “sin management programs”, as if we could somehow perfect ourselves by managing our behavior. Fortunately, I’m also hearing more honest and true representations of the “Law vs. Gospel” distinction in contemporary Christian music, which makes my heart happy! One example is from a favorite running song of mine, “Even Then” by Micah Tyler:

When the days up ahead look a little bit brighter
But the grip of the past holds a little bit tighter
I’m reminded Your grace never asks for perfection
Oh I’m restored ’cause I’m Yours and I stand forgiven

That simple line (the one in bold!) always grabs my heart. God’s grace doesn’t demand my perfection. In fact, the idea that I need to be perfect is basically a rejection of God’s grace. Grace is completely unmerited favor. I don’t deserve it at all. None of us can earn something that God freely gives out of His divine love. The MercyMe song “Best Day Ever” also captures this beautifully:

Some say, “Don’t give up”
And hope that your good is good enough
Head down, keep on working
If you could earn it, you deserve it
Some say, “Push on through”
After all, it’s the least that you can do
But don’t buy, what they’re selling
It couldn’t be further from the truth…

Some say, “Don’t ask for help”
God helps the ones who help themselves
Press on, get it right
Otherwise, get left behind
Some say, “He’s keeping score”
So try hard, then try a little more
Hold up, if this were true
Explain to me, what the cross is for

The simplicity of song lyrics often captures an idea in such a poignant way, so that I feel it rather than think about it. Truly, if we are able to be perfect enough for God’s standards, why would Jesus have to die for our sins? When we worry about God “keeping score” and tallying up our sins versus our good deeds, we take matters into our own hands rather than surrendering and resting in Jesus’s perfect atonement for us.

Recognizing our neediness before God completely overturns the modern focus on self-actualization. Instead of striving and trying to control the world around us, we can remember Paul’s experience of the thorn in his side: Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2Corinthians 12: 8-11).

God’s strength is made perfect in us when we stop trying to be strong and instead rest in his all sufficient grace. Amen!