It’s Beginning to Look A lot Like…

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Fall!

Oh, how I love Fall! It’s by far my favorite season.

I love the coziness and slight chill in the air.  Though, in San Diego that means highs in the 70s instead of the 80s and 90s, but whatever, it’s cooler!

Bates Nut Farm 026I love when football begins, so we can cheer on the Dolphins and enjoy our Sunday routine of church, followed by brunch at home in front of the game.  So much fun!

I love our annual trip to the pumpkin patch at Bates Nut Farm!  I’m used to checking the weather and praying for cozy coolness for several days ahead of time.  Hot weather kind of kills the boot and scarf and sweater outfit I always want to wear.

I love the autumn wreath that we always hang on our front door.

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I love the fall flavors and making pies.  For several years, the annual pie auction at our church preschool was a highlight of the season.  I don’t mind telling you that I was really disappointed when this event was cancelled last year.  Still, fond memories of making my Whiskey Chocolate Pecan Pie and the fun of having folks bid against each other for it!

I love making pumpkin pancakes, which are delightfully easy to make paleo for me.  With some toasted pecans and a drizzle of real maple syrup.  Delicious!

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I love Thanksgiving and the traditions of the day.  We start with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with breakfast.  I’ll cook most of the day, while football is viewed and perhaps tossed around in the backyard, then we’ll feast in the late afternoon.  Finally, we watch Home Alone while eating our pumpkin pie.  It’s the best, but it’ll be hard to top last year, when my sister and her family came to visit!  That was truly the best.

I love going up to Julian during the fall. It’s this quaint, old mining town in the mountains east of San Diego.  We try to make it up each year for apple picking. This year just Dennis and I are going up there to celebrate our wedding anniversary!  We’ve always wanted to spend the night in Julian.  So, we’re taking this opportunity to spend one night and then hang out all day on our anniversary, which is a Monday this year.  It’ll be fun to explore the town with less of a crowd!

November 2012 029I love wearing boots and scarves.  I have a ridiculous number of scarves for someone who lives in San Diego.  So, daily scarf wearing in the fall helps justify the closet space they take up!

I love watching Teo play soccer!  Tomorrow’s the second game of the season, and it’s so fun to watch him and his buddies play.  After coaching T-Ball in the spring, I know several of his soccer teammates quite well, so it’s extra fun to cheer for the team.  At their first game last week, they discovered that the field was significantly bigger than last year.  It was an adjustment, for sure.  Time for some conditioning practice!

I love our neighborhood Halloween traditions of meeting at one house for a pre-party and then trick-or-treating around the neighborhood.  It’s so fun to see all the creative costumes!

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I love carving pumpkins!  I pretty much do the same jack-o-lantern face every year, so it’s like meeting an old familiar friend.  We’ve now learned to carve them a day or two before Halloween or else they’ll rot and literally melt on our front step.  That was never an issue growing up in Humboldt County!

I love our church’s annual Oktoberfest celebration!  We have amazing German food and beer, while enjoying fellowship with our church family.  This year is going to be extra special since it falls on Reformation Sunday, and… it’s the 500th anniversary of the Reformation!  Truly amazing to think how much the world has changed thanks to Martin Luther’s insight into the gospel and grace through Christ alone.

I love pumpkin spice flavor, be in in lattes, muffins, cookies, whatever.

As you can see from this post, another thing to love about fall is looking back on pictures of our annual trip to the pumpkin patch.  It’s so cool to watch the kids grow through the years as they pose in front of piles of beautiful orange pumpkins.  Looking forward to adding to the collection of pumpkin photos with my big kids this year!

L-O-V-E

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The Gospel reading for this past Sunday was from Matthew, chapter 18, when the disciples asked Jesus “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Jesus replies by calling a child over to him and He said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

I love this reminder and oh, how I need to keep it in front of me daily.

The prevailing message in our society is self-determination.  We are encouraged to strive hard, be productive, and generally make our way in the world.  Jesus’s message couldn’t be more different.  His definition of greatness is the opposite of what the world tells us.  The child who is humble, meek, and readily surrenders to the care and guidance of their Father in heaven, that one is the greatest.

I don’t know about you, but this message brings me such relief! It tells me: “Stop striving, Kels!  Stop trying to live up to the expectations of this world.  Stop needing things to go a certain way so you can feel comfortable and in control. Stop measuring your worth through productivity, wealth, or accomplishments.”

Instead, look around you, be present in the moment, what are you called to do right now?  Try praying for guidance.  Try resting and waiting for God’s timing to be fulfilled. Be humble and surrender.  God knows what’s best and he’ll let you in on his plan for your life a little bit at a time.  You don’t get to see the whole picture.  You don’t know what’s best.  But, your Father in heaven does.  Stop. Rest.

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As a parent actively raising young children, this imagery of childhood and submitting to the guidance of loving parents is particularly meaningful.  Just last night, I had the opportunity to pray for wisdom, stay present, and help my son through a challenging moment.  Teo was sitting at the dining table and making a consistent, annoying noise.  After asking him to stop a few times, I decided to put music on in the kitchen to divert his attention.  He didn’t react well to the music coming on.

“I don’t like this music!” he complained as Frank Sinatra’s crooning filled the room.  I explained that this was mommy’s time for cooking and listening to music, so I wasn’t going to change it.  He continued to throw quite a fit.  I let him cry and yell for a few minutes, then tried to reason with him again.  He calmed a bit, but then came into the kitchen complaining again, “Turn this off, I don’t like it.”

The Nat King Cole song “L-O-V-E” was just starting.  Without any forethought, I scooped Teo up in my arms (which is getting harder and harder to do!) and started dancing with him in the kitchen.  He instantly relaxed and put his head on my shoulder as I sang along:

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

And love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don’t break it
Love was made for me and you

As the song came to an end, I silently prayed: “Thank you for that moment, Lord.”  Then I kissed Teo on the cheek as I put him down.  Within a few minutes he grabbed his glove and baseball to practice pop-flys in the backyard while dinner finished cooking.

When I think of the way that God lovingly guides and cares for us, despite our persistent sin, pridefulness, and general disregard for his direction, I’m inspired to love my children unconditionally.  Children are often sent the message that they will be loved when they obey their parents or other authority figures.  Being a “good girl” or “good boy” and being praised for those traits leads to many “people pleasers” and “approval addicts”.   What if we allowed our children to feel their emotions, express them, assert their will, and have their own perspectives?  Then, we can teach, guide, and coach them with loving support and big doses of hugs and love.  What if we tried to model God’s grace for us in the way we parent our children?

11:06

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Several months ago, I noticed an odd phenomenon.  Most days, at the office, I checked the time at precisely 11:06 a.m.  At first, this just made me pause and smile to myself.  But, after several instances, I considered this random event more consciously.

Dennis and my wedding anniversary is November 6th. Seeing 11:06 on the clock on a nearly daily basis, was a sweet reminder of my husband and our marriage.  I started emailing or texting Dennis when I caught “our time” on the clock.   Such a small little thing, but it was fun to turn it into something special in our daily routine.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that noticing 11:06 began during this stage in our life.  I’ve been quite aware lately that marriages are difficult to maintain.  We’re in the child raising phase of life and it’s very easy to let the world revolve around our kids.  While we love them like crazy, ultimately Sienna and Mateo are going to grow up, leave the nest, find a spouse, and create a family of their own (at least that’s our hope and prayer!).  Building a life that revolves around them will not bode well for our marriage once they’re launched into the world.

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Dennis and I were friends before we fell in love, bonding over a shared love of sports, faith, and San Diego.  We still have a lot in common; there are so many things we enjoy doing together.  Football is Dennis’s passion.  When we lived downtown, before we had kids, going out to watch the Dolphins’ game was a weekly tradition.  Then, for several years, I was too distracted with my need to plan and so “in my head” that I didn’t make the time to sit down and watch a football game with Dennis.  As we settled in to watch football together today, I reached for his hand and decided to just watch the game and share this time with my husband.  Productivity went out the window today, but our relationship got nurtured, so that’s a win.

In the busyness of life, it’s easy to accept so many invitations and requests for our time that we don’t have space to connect to the most important people in our lives.  To protect and support our marriage, we’re making an effort to consciously connect on a daily basis, even if it’s just sharing about our day for a few minutes without the kids’ interrupting!  We just restarted our coffee date routine today, as Sunday school resumed for the year.  It’s my favorite.  We’re looking forward to some “date days” once I get through this fall busy season at work.  We’re making it a priority to spend meaningful time with one another.  That’s something worth planning!

At the beginning of this year, we decided this was the year of “Only What’s Essential”.  In my life, Dennis is essential.

On the drive home from church this morning, I glanced at the clock. It was 11:06.  “Look, Babe!” I said and pointed to the clock.  It turned to 11:07 about 3 seconds later, but we caught “our time”.

 

A Family Constitution

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Sienna came running out the backdoor with a paper in her hand: “Mommy, you need to read this and sign it!”  I had been sitting in the backyard watching the sunset and initially thought it was her daily binder reminder that required my signature.  Instead, she handed me a contract she’d just drafted for our family.

The “Family Constitution” included the following rules:

No hitting. No pushing. No snatching. No saying someone is mean. No name calling. No rudeness. Always share. Be kind. Say please and thank you.

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Dennis had already signed the constitution, and I later teased him that he must be Hamilton, which is appropriate as the head of our family.

“Sienna, this is great!  I’m happy to sign.”  I told her.  “Did you do a class constitution in school today?”

“Yep!” she replied as she went to collect Mateo’s “signature” and add her own, before posting it on the refrigerator.

This morning, she added our return address stamp to make it “official” and declared that she was the President of the family.  Teo proudly announced that Sienna had installed him as the police officer.  I thought it was a brilliant move to give him responsibility for policing these rules as he’s one of the biggest offenders.  Specifically of calling his mommy “mean” when she doesn’t let him do what he wants to do!

“Who decides on the punishment?”  Teo asked.

“Well, you’re the police so you’ll arrest someone and then they’ll go in front of the judge,” I replied.

“Who’s the judge?”

“I am!” Sienna declared.

“You’re the President and the judge?  Sounds like a concentration of power to me!”

When we returned home from work and school this evening, Teo and I had a conversation about these family rules.  He was feeling tired and overwhelmed and wanted to toss out the constitution because it was too challenging.

“Teo, you don’t have to keep these rules perfectly.  No one expects you to do that,” I calmly explained.

“But, I do!” he responded.

I went on to explain that these family rules are in the spirit of God’s law for us.  We can never keep God’s perfect law.  We’re sinners and will always fall short of God’s standard of perfection.  Jesus lived without sin and paid the price for our sins with his death and resurrection.  We’re washed in his righteousness through Baptism.  Therefore, we’re forgiven each time we fall short.  Similarly, in our family, we’ll break these rules, say we’re sorry, ask for forgiveness, and be forgiven.

Wow, that’s reassuring news whether you’re a kid, parent, President, police officer, or judge.

Lifting the Veil

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This week my kids began the fourth and first grades.  It’s cliché, but true: they grow up so fast!  I’ve was home with them for several days before they went back, getting ready for the school routine to start up again.

Teo first day of 1st gradeLast week, I found myself struggling, specifically with Teo’s rejection of every healthy meal I placed in front of him.  I’d been trying to get them to embrace the whole foods diet that I follow.  Teo isn’t particularly picky, but he’s accustomed to the foods he typically eats and isn’t big on change.

At the YMCA pool on Thursday afternoon, I could feel myself struggling with wanting to control his diet and feeling so frustrated that he wouldn’t even try these new foods. The thoughts running through my mind we’re variations of “How do I make him try these foods?!”  I told Sienna what I was feeling:  “I need to let it go, don’t I?”

“Yeah, I think you do, Mom,” she lovingly replied.

Sometimes I can literally feel myself accepting reality and surrendering my illusion of control.  It usually sounds like a deep, cleansing exhale from deep in my body.  I imagine my “struggle switch” literally switching off.

027 (2)The next few days, I felt so much more present and connected to the moment.  Soaking in my children and this particular phase of life felt joyous.  They are at a very fun stage of being more self-reliant and therefore “easier” but also very interested in mom and dad’s attention and praise.  I hear “Mom, mom, I need you!” dozens of times per day.  But now, instead of needing me to do something for them, they’re asking to talk or show me something they’ve accomplished. They’re growing and conquering fears on a daily basis, and it’s so much fun to witness.

When I let go of a need to control, it instantly lifts a veil over my eyes and helps me to see my loved ones more clearly.  I see that they are their own person with tastes, interests, talents, fears, and perspectives that are different from my own. I see that they are imperfect and growing.  They’re God’s little children that have been placed in my care to nurture, teach, support, and love.

With some patience and understanding, a situation that I found frustrating or aggravating can be transformed into one of growth and learning. For both of us.

 

 

Teaching Kids to Face Their Fears and Do it Anyway

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This morning, before dropping Sienna and her best friend off for their first day of Broadway/Disney singing camp, we headed to the park by our house to bring Teo to his first day of P.E. in the Park.  The P.E. teacher at school is our neighbor and he’s been running this activity a few days a week throughout the summer.

When we arrived, about ten kids were already out on the field, kicking a soccer ball or tossing a football around.  I had to hurry to pay the Coach and get back in the car to get the girls to camp on time.  Teo slowly climbed out of the car with his water bottle.

“Lovie, I’m going to go.  Have fun!” I said.

“Okay…. but, wait Mom,” came his tentative reply.

I gave Teo a hug and kiss and encouraged him, “Go on out to the field with the kids.”

He slowly made his way toward the field.  As Sienna and I got in the car, I watched Teo from the rearview mirror.  Oh, my heart.  It was tough to see him surveying the field and trying to find an opening to join the group of kids already engaged in games together.  I knew the Coach would soon get them organized into a group game. Also, it’s good for him to face these moments.  I was so proud of him bravely joining the group and could totally relate to that feeling of being on the outside looking for a way to join the fun.

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This moment reminded me of something I’ve been learning this summer.  As parents, our job isn’t to protect and shield our children from the troubles, disappointments, and challenges of life.  Rather, we are here to guide and equip them to face their fears and struggles so they can learn and grow.

During the kids’ summer program at school, they went on a field trip to the movie theater each Monday.  At this particular theater, Teo recalled that the advertisement for concessions involves a roller coaster ride and the popcorn “pops” really loud and startles him.  He was pretty concerned about going on the fieldtrip the first week and begged me to keep him home.  At first, I actually said, “Seriously, Teo – you’re scared of the popcorn?!”  But, then I realized that I needed to work with him through this fear.  (I think the real emotion came from last year when he accidentally misplaced his fieldtrip t-shirt at the pool and was embarrassed by the way they tried to decipher whose shirt it was.)

When we got to school that morning, I asked him “What would make you less scared of the popcorn?”  He suggested that he could sit with one of the teachers.  So, after signing them in, Miss Rose was nearby and I encouraged Teo to tell her about his concerns.  He did and she said she’d try to sit with him.

Turns out, they were able to leave the theater for the thirty seconds or so that the startling popcorn was on the screen.  The following week, he asked Miss Rose to sit with him again.  She replied, “Yes, Mateo.  Just be sure to find me when we’re at the theater.”

On the third consecutive week, Miss Rose was on the phone as I dropped the kids off.  Teo wanted me to stay so he could ask her to sit with him again.  I told him, “I have to get to work, Lovie.  You can ask her, I have faith in you.”  He nodded confidentially and I left.  Walking to the car, I felt such peace.  He had a fear that was bothering him a lot.  But, rather than saving him from the source of his anxiety by keeping him home or telling the teacher what he needed, I’d encouraged him to express his feelings and ask for the help he needed.  He’d learned to face his fears and do it anyway, a lesson that I’d recently been learning too!  Teo’s confidence to handle the situation grew each week, even if his fear of popcorn hadn’t receded.

 

Graceful Teachable Moments

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Rushing kids to get ready and out the door in time to make it to work by 8:15 a.m. feels like a fate worse than death. Fortunately, I don’t have to do it often, but this week I did.  Adding to the equation that they have been going to bed late, sleeping in, and generally in the slothful mode of kids in summertime, just about pushed me over the edge.

When we finally left the house to head to their summer program, Sienna realized that we’d forgotten to apply sunscreen. No, correct that… I had forgotten to apply sunscreen to her and Mateo.

“Mom! You forgot our sunscreen!” she accusingly cried.

“You’ll be okay,” I passively replied.

“No, we’ll get sunburned! Why didn’t you put sunscreen on us?” my persistent daughter asked.

“Because I’m a bad mom! What do you want me to say, Sienna?” was my lovingly maternal response.

I sighed, already regretting my comment. “Breathe,” I told myself.  For the next few blocks, I just drove and took deep breaths.  Gazing in the rearview mirror, which is always pointed toward my kids when they’re in the car, I noted the sad expressions on both their faces.

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Pulling the car over to the curb, I turned around to face them.

“I’m sorry. Mommy has a lot of responsibilities and today I was anxious to get to work on time to make sure a room was setup in time for a meeting.  You two are my most cherished and important responsibilities and I love you so much.  Work is important too because it provides money for our family.  Sometimes mommy gets overwhelmed, but I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“It’s okay, Mom” Sienna replied.  Teo smiled at me as he patted my hand.

We parted with big hugs and kisses a few minutes later. On the drive to the office, I could have beaten myself up for responding harshly and sarcastically instead of patiently and lovingly.  But, instead, I prayed and remembered that God is gracious and forgiving.  This was yet another opportunity to demonstrate that love and grace to Sienna and Teo.

Recently, Sienna has begun telling me she’s sorry for talking rudely or unkindly. She’s started reflecting on why she chose to behave a certain way and expresses regret when she hurts her loved one’s feelings.  In these moments, it seems like she’s mimicking me.  I’ve made it a point to ask for forgiveness when my words and behavior don’t match my loving intentions.

We all get frustrated and short-tempered from time to time and say things that hurt others. We try to do better, but we’re sinners and we’ll inevitably fall back into wanting things to go our way and getting frustrated with the people around us when they don’t do what we want them to do.  Being quick to acknowledge when we sin against those we love and seeking their forgiveness is what I hope our kids are seeing and learning.

I guess it’s fortunate we have so many good teachable moments.