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I Am a Sinner. What a Relief!

February 23, 2017 kelseybonilla

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

Given our culture of positive thinking and self-empowerment, this may sound revolutionary, but here it goes… I have found that remembering that I am a sinner and in need of Christ’s perfect righteousness and salvation provides instant relief, comfort and peace. By reminding myself that I’m not innately good, without Christ, I am brought back to a state of surrender, which leads to a peace beyond understanding.

It’s been several years now since my transformation from living disconnected, in my head, and out of touch with my emotions. I typically embrace living in the moment, feeling my feelings, and connecting with Christ and the people in my life. However, the ego is a funny thing. After feeling strong and capable, happy and fulfilled, because of letting go and trusting God, I will then slowly, gradually, and without detection start striving for control. I start to believe my thoughts that tell me how things ought to be, how other people ought to behave, how the world around me ought to operate.

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Our thoughts are pretty ridiculous at times and I’ve been tapping into my observing self lately to watch how my mind operates. Thoughts will hook me and I wrestle with deciding whether or not they are true. One of the most important lessons I learned from The Happiness Trap is to focus on whether or not a thought is helpful, whether it helps you live a life you value, rather on whether or not the thought is true. Ultimately, my perspective and wisdom are very small. Typically, when I’m striving to reconcile unhelpful thoughts, I’m actually struggle with a need for control.

I’ll remind myself – “Kelsey, you’re a sinner. You aren’t innately good and right in this or any situation. God’s grace is what brings life and salvation to you and everyone else.” I am then able to relax, breathe, and start praying for God’s wisdom to guide me to take action to improve whatever situation or circumstance is plaguing my thoughts.

One of the concepts in Lutheran theology that brings wonderful relief is that we’re simultaneously saint and sinner. Because of Jesus’s sacrificial death and resurrection, those who are baptized into his name are saints. But, we are still sinners living in this fallen world. No matter our efforts, we are breaking God’s perfect standard on a daily basis. There is good inside of us – the Holy Spirit of God – which leads us to love and do good deeds. But, we certainly cannot boast in these actions because they’re motivated by God, not by our sinful humanity.

By remembering my sinfulness, I’m immediately brought down from the elevated place my ego has lead me. By recognizing my extremely limited perspective and wisdom, I turn to God for guidance. By recalling that my thoughts are misleading and without value, I am able to dismiss them and turn my attention to connecting with the people around me. By connecting with people and praying for God’s wisdom, I am able to find ways to love and good deeds to do.

Books Worth Reading, Lutheranism, My Awakening, Uncategorized

Time Well Spent

October 24, 2016October 24, 2016 kelseybonilla

Maybe it’s just me, but tasks, responsibilities, choices, options, and general noise from the world can become overwhelming at times. When life gets busy, I find myself almost paralyzed with information overload. Have a half an hour before the next scheduled event? Should I prep food, do some house cleaning, write a blog post, read, play with the kids, go to the store, check an item off my to do list, do a quick workout?

Okay, I decide to prep food. What meal? Should I stick with the meal plan I came up with earlier in the week or be spontaneous? I’ll see what recipes I can make with the ingredients on hand. Okay, should I search online or peruse the half dozen cookbooks on my kitchen counter? Will the kids eat the Thai chicken dish I found online? Doubtful. I’ll just make something different for them. But what? And around we go again.

This is just one possible option of how to spend those thirty minutes. There are dozens of others, and that’s where the real struggle comes from. When I get caught up in my thoughts and buy into the societal pressure that my life ought to look a certain way, there is a self-imposed pressure to always be doing the right thing. I remember this mindset. It’s the one that drove me into my head and away from my family. It’s the one that believes my thoughts and actions will keep my world spinning, rather than surrendering to God’s perfect plan.

The truth is, time is finite. There are only so many hours in a day, days in a year, and years in a lifetime. How we choose to spend our time is hugely important in shaping the life we lead. The more activities I tell myself need to fit into my life, the more overwhelmed I feel. Does the meal have to be completely home cooked and (for me) paleo? Do I need to say yes to every request for parental volunteer or kids’ birthday party invitation? Do I have to run or workout a certain number of times per week?

Of course the answer to all of these is no. Those pressures are self-imposed and lead to stress and anxiety that I have to fit everything in to my already full schedule of childcare, diabetes management, a full time job, etc.

I’m prayerfully asking God to help me re-find the place of trusting acceptance and he’s shown me a surefire method for deciding how to spend my time.

I began down the right track this fall as I prioritized my kids’ soccer games over joining the running club on long runs Saturday mornings. I’m still running on my own, which is peaceful and delightful, but training for a marathon is not a priority when I could be watching Teo play soccer!

Just last night, I got a wonderful reminder of how prioritizing connection with my family yields joy and peace. Sienna starting complaining of an upset tummy about an hour before bedtime. She was already all bathed and in her pajamas; she came to me in tears that her tummy hurt. I said, “Why don’t we get in bed and read?”

Since she’s been doing most of the reading to Dennis or me at bedtime, she asked “But, can you read? I don’t feel up to it.”

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“Of course, Lovie.” We settled into her bed to start the last chapter of Ramona Quimby, Age 8.

After taking some medicine and finishing Ramona Quimby, Age 8, Sienna was feeling a little better and asked if we could read another book. We both moved from her bed to the floor in front of her bookshelves to choose the next book. I looked over at Sienna, she smiled at me and said, “I love reading with you, it makes me feel so much better.” Then, looking at the books, “It’s like our own library… our own little library,” she gushed.

I felt the tenderness of that moment and thanked God that I wasn’t too busy or distracted to make the time to read longer with my daughter. This night, I’d certainly made the right choice.

Today in church, if I needed additional confirmation of the value of spending that time, Sienna said to me: “Thank you for reading to me when I was sick last night, Mama.” I told her what was true, “I love taking care of you when you need me.”

I’m so thankful for these tender moments that teach me the most valuable ways I can spend my precious time.

Home and Family, Lutheranism, My Awakening

What Fills Me Up.

October 8, 2016October 10, 2016 kelseybonilla

Whoa. Where did September go??

Now that we have two school aged children, I’ve become keenly aware of how busy and hectic the fall season can be. Transitioning from the lack of structure and routine of the summer months into the scheduled-to-the-hilt (what in the world is a hilt?!) school year routine is jarring. This year, Mateo joined Sienna in the elementary school summer program on August 1st and the kids started soccer practices that same week. So, even though school didn’t officially start until the 16th, our summer more or less ended at the beginning of August.

Between the fall busy season at my office, school, soccer, starting the Stephen Ministry training program (more on that later), church, football season, family activities and social events, life has been super full the past couple months. There was a week of crazy work days as we worked to meet the 9/15 tax deadline. I’m not cut out for 12 hour workdays back-to-back-to-back. I don’t know how those accountants do it for weeks or months on end! But, for the most part, we’ve found a good balance of activity and downtime which has felt manageable.

My favorite part of the week is attending mass on Sunday! My goodness, those couple hours fill me up with such joy and peace, that it feels like I can deal with anything that comes my way the rest of the week. We recently switched from sitting toward the back of the right hand side of the church, to sitting just in the front of the middle of the left hand side. Specifically, next to the stained glass of Jesus raising his arms.

167 Dennis dutifully gets the whole family up and going on Sunday morning so we can make the 8:00 a.m. service. We then record the Dolphins game which is typically on at 10:00 a.m. our time and pray that no well intentioned member of our church family decides to give us an update on the game before we head home.

Sliding into the pew with Dennis and the kids, I settle in for the beautiful, familiar routine of the liturgy. Cuddling with the kids is the best way to keep them from getting bored, loud, and unruly. It’s typically about a 90 minutes service, so I understand that the kids get fidgety. But, if we snuggle up with them they tend to behave very well. I’ve learned so much about the importance of loving actions over frustrated words in getting the kids to behave the way we’d like. Sienna likes to lay her head in my lap during the sermon so I can run my fingers through her hair. It’s relaxing for us both!

As I wrote about before, our coffee date while the kids are in Sunday School is something I look forward to all week. It’s so lovely to walk hand-in-hand with my husband and talk, uninterrupted, about whatever is on our mind. Sometimes we talk about the logistics of the upcoming week, other times we just chat and reconnect. Again, this time of connection with my sweet husband totally fills me up for the busyness of the weekly routine.

Life is full and blessed. We’re soaking up as much of our kids as possible during this stage of life. On the brink of nine and six years old, we’re well out of the little kid stage and moving quickly into the fun middle years of childhood. I’ve heard so many parents say that these ages (basically before the teen years!) are the best. I can see why. Sienna and Mateo are interested in anything that Dennis and I are enthusiastic about. They’re inquisitive, engaged, and excited to learn new things and have new experiences. Just talking to them and hearing their perspective on life is delightful!

On the other hand, we’re now a family of four people with different ideas on what we want to do, eat, watch, etc. Whether it’s picking a movie for Friday Movie Night or debating the dinner options, there’s no shortage of opinions in our house. Sometimes the kids will take the high road and let their sibling pick the movie, other times kids (okay, mostly Teo) is sent to his room for throwing a fit about not wanting to eat what is served for dinner. If there’s only one of something left, God help us. They’ll both want that last banana desperately!

Trying to rush to get dinner on the table? Yes, of course that’s when Teo drops his pencil sharpener and the shavings go everywhere. Trying to get out the door for school and work in the morning? Sienna’s shoes will inevitably be missing even though we’ve asked her to put them on ten times over the past 15 minutes.

The peace that I’ve come to cherish is when I take a deep breath and lovingly tell Teo, “It’s okay. Go get the broom and dustpan, we’ll get these shavings swept up quickly so we can eat.” Or, when I look Sienna in the eyes and calmly tell her – “Your shoes are by the front door. Go put them on right now so we can get going.” We’re all just trying to do our best to get things done individually and as a family.

I constantly remind myself of the basic tenant of our faith that we’re not doing anything to earn or deserve God’s favor. Christ’s sacrifice means that, by grace, we’re saved and sanctified. We’re all sinners and fall short of God’s glory. It takes all the pressure off! If I slip up and yell at the kids – like I did this week when I accidentally bumped my head on the car door jam as I was reaching for Teo’s school bag – then I pull myself together and apologize to my children for acting poorly. They respond with “We forgive you mommy.” We are reconciled to one another and I’ve taught them that we all make mistakes and it’s safe to apologize with humility to right the wrong you’ve committed.

Sitting here, in the fall of 2016, over three years since my awakening, I see life entirely differently. There are ups and downs, highs and lows in life. I haven’t been blogging as much lately because these realizations don’t strike me as radical, like they did a couple years ago. But, I want to write more and share the daily ups and downs, the simple lessons and moments of tenderness that I experience.

I love the peace that comes from surrendering and not trying to have everything figured out. I love the joy that comes from being present with my family and letting life unfold in ways I’d never imagined. I love trusting that God has a perfect plan and knowing that he loves and protects us all more completely than we could ever know. I love taking the time to write out what’s in my heart and mind and am thankful for loving readers.

Lutheranism, Uncategorized

In What Do You Boast?

March 11, 2016 kelseybonilla

In modern American vernacular, boasting is synonymous with bragging or behaving with conceit. It’s not a term that people use to express their beliefs or convey truth claims. However, apparently in biblical times, to boast meant something different; more along the lines of expressing truth claims, making assertions, or communicating something in which you identify.

I recently read the passage from Saint Paul in 2 Corinthians about the thorn is his flesh that he repeatedly begged the Lord to remove. The Lord responded: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” St. Paul reacts: Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10.

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There’s something deeply reassuring and comforting about the idea that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. God doesn’t expect or demand us to be strong because we’re not. Boasting, or fully laying claim, to our human weakness allows the power of Christ to flourish in us. How awesome.

As the Lord so often does, this concept of boasting appeared again the same day, as I came across an article my sister forwarded to me. It mentioned James 4:7 which lead me to a verse I’d quoted in a previous post. In the ESV translation, this verse is introduced under the heading “Boasting About Tomorrow”:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit” – yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. James 4: 13-17.

The context of this verse is important. Earlier in this passage, James tells the followers of Christ that “faith without works is dead” and also warned them about the dangers of worldliness. So, here the concept of boasting is applied to people whose assertions and truth claims focus on themselves and their human abilities and aspirations. Putting faith in yourself or in the worldly guarantee of tomorrow’s plans, rather than in God, is evil.

Seeing the repeated references to boasting throughout these Bible passages caused me to stop and think about the lesson we’re supposed to learn. To boast in the Lord congers up a feeling of enthusiasm and joy. Boasting also has the powerful meaning of making truth claims and asserting your belief in Christ. It’s an important thing to ponder: In what do I boast? Just like we cannot serve two masters – God and money, likewise, we can’t ultimately boast in God and also in ourselves, our abilities, our worldly desires, or anything else.

As Christians, there’s a quintessential passage that directs us in what we should boast (i.e. claim, assert, declare): But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 14: 14.

Lutheranism, Uncategorized

Bowing and Other Rituals…

February 25, 2016February 25, 2016 kelseybonilla

Our Pastor has a really cool way of making important, memorable points during the children’s homily each week. This past Sunday was no exception. As he talked to the kids about “Spiritual Muscle Memory” – the things we do routinely to support spiritual practices that strengthen our life in Christ, he told a story of a woman who recently began attending our church.

She came from another religious tradition and it took some time for her to become accustomed to the ritualistic practices in our Lutheran service. After attending for several weeks, she approached Pastor to ask about a specific practice: “Why do you bow to the cross during the processional and recessional for the gospel reading?”

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Pastor explained that we bow to the cross of Christ to express honor to the King, just as someone would bow to royalty today. Also, we bow in order to humble ourselves and adopt a submissive posture before the Lord. He went on to explain that these practices are not mandated. You don’t have to bow. One of Martin Luther’s major critiques of the Roman Catholic Church centered on this issue. They’d made optional practices and rituals into laws that members had to follow. Christ did not mandate much of the spiritual practices in the mass. But, as a church, we find them helpful and useful for communicating the proper glory of God and our relative humility.

One Sunday, after having this conversation, Pastor noticed the woman bow to the cross.

This story made me think of rituals and spiritual practices. Why do we do what we do?

The message on Ash Wednesday, which was based on the text of the hypocrites, showing off their prayers and acts of piety, came from the Gospel of Matthew:

Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their rewards. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And you Father who sees in secret with reward you. Matthew 6:1-4.

Pastor pointed out that in several places Jesus told his disciples that their motivation was what mattered. It’s not what you do, but why you do it, that matters to God. Charity and praying to God, so that your neighbors view you as a righteous person, does not delight the Lord.

Similarly, the rituals and practices in the traditional liturgy are often criticized by non-practitioners as rote and meaningless. Certainly, one could go through the motions of reciting prayers, making the Sign of the Cross, genuflecting, and otherwise participating in the mass in order to be seen as a “good Christian” to those around them. One could fulfill the “law” of attending mass on a regular basis, but if their motivation isn’t communion with Christ and worship of God, then their reward will be limited to their neighbors’ esteem. However, for those who understand the deep meaning of what is happening in the liturgy – Word and Sacraments poured out on us from God – each word, action, and motion is full of significance.

My favorite part of the liturgy is after the consecration when we say, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” Although this (along with many other parts of the liturgy) are said each and every week, the meaning continues to grow deeper and more significant to me. It has not become rote at all. Speaking these words of surrender and humility before communing helps me remember my need for a Savior and complete dependence on Christ for life and salvation.

Lutheranism

Our Corner of the Kingdom

June 9, 2015 kelseybonilla

At the communion rail this past Sunday, I felt a deep appreciation for being a part of our church family. Pastor John distributed the body of Christ to the couple next to me, calling them each by name, before coming to me and pronouncing, “The body of Christ, given for you, Kelsey” as he placed the host in my mouth. Then Daryl, one of our Elders, approached. “Kels, the blood of Christ,” he said as he offered me the chalice. Being called by name, as Holy Communion is given on behalf of Jesus, provides a sense of intimacy that Christ’s sacrifice was specifically for you, and me. There’s also a wonderful familiarity when members of your church family know you and therefore are in a position to speak your name during the distribution of the Eucharist.

This moment made me feel connected to Christ and to the citizens of his Kingdom that also call Grace Lutheran Church home. As I returned to my pew, I reflected on the past week of blessings I enjoyed by being a part of this church family.

On Thursday, we had a delightful lunch with our preschool Director and several moms from our church and preschool to plan the annual summer Vacation Bible School. Sharing ideas and working collaboratively, we engaged in our common goal to provide a Christ-centered, fun, educational program for the kids. Coming away from that gathering, I felt blessed by the fellowship of like-minded women and inspired to be joyfully serving beside them.

080 — Teo being turned into a mummy at our church Oktoberfest last fall

The previous evening I spoke with Pastor John about a dilemma our family faced, to which he provided loving counsel. During that conversation Pastor recounted a story about our son Mateo, from the preschool chapel lesson that day. Pastor was teaching the kids about the Ancient Jewish atonement customs involving the tabernacle. As they acted out the scene through a makeshift tabernacle, he explained that the high priest would enter the Holy of Holies, “God’s house”, once a year on Yom Kippur. He would speak the name of God—Yahweh—and make blood atonement for the sins of the people. No other men, women, or children were allowed in this special space. Pastor then explained that we now have a high priest that made blood atonement for all of the men, women, and children who are now always welcome in God’s house. Mateo piped up, “Jesus, it’s Jesus!” Isn’t it amazing to know that the lessons we’re trying to instill are getting through? Hearing the words of faith coming from children so young is very rewarding. Praise the Lord that our preschool is faithfully serving its mission to spread the gospel by teaching kids that Jesus is their savior and King.

Then, of course, the highlight was Pastor Gleason’s ordination the Sunday before (31 May, Holy Trinity). What a joyful celebration for our church! I loved seeing Gleason, who I respect, appreciate, and enjoy so much; take the vows of ordination to serve our congregation as a Pastor. I was moved when Deaconess presented the communion hosts to her husband, the newly ordained Pastor. It was a very cool moment that left me misty-eyed. The next part of the service involved Pastor John placing the pastoral vestment over Pastor Gleason before the consecration of the Eucharist. Watching that was very poignant and I teared up again. I had to pull myself together when Sienna looked at me and asked, “Why are you crying, Mom?” as only a precocious seven-year-old can do.

Sienna's First Holy Communion — Sienna’s First Holy Communion

Living life as citizens in God’s Kingdom by belonging to a church community is the foundation of our family life. We actually call it our “church family” instead of community, since that word tends to be overused and applied to any group with some commonality. A recent Modern Reformation article quoted Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s observation on this topic: “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” A church family is much more meaningful than simply a community because the thing we have in common is Christ. We love one another because Christ first loved us. It means that we all search the campus passionately when one of the kids is missing, or rally around an individual dealing with illness or personal tragedy. It requires sacrifice and service to make it all work, but there’s such joy in giving, serving, and caring for one another.

Over the past couple years I have come to identify deeply with being a part of this church family. Dennis and I love raising our kids within this family of faith. My heart overflows when Sienna receives communion and Mateo receives a personal blessing, as Pastor calls them each by name. By these little moments, they will come to identify as members of Christ’s Kingdom and the Grace Lutheran family. Nothing could bring me greater joy.

Lutheranism

Holy Spirit Come

May 24, 2015May 27, 2015 kelseybonilla

Today is Pentecost, the day the Christian church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to dwell amongst the people of God and to be our “Helper”. In this post last year, I was just beginning to learn about the significance of this feast. This year I’m going deeper.

I’ve been reading Simply Christian by N.T. Wright the past few weeks. It’s taking me awhile to get through because it’s so rich and I’m taking copious notes! As luck (?) would have it, I just reached the chapters on the Holy Spirit this weekend.

Through liturgy, reading, and prayer, I’ve been deepening my understanding of the Holy Spirit, and wanted to share…

Pentecost is sometimes referred to as the “birthday of the church”. The church was born after Jesus ascended into heaven and sent his “helper” – the Holy Spirit – to empower the disciples. Jesus said, “… you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witness in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth,” (Acts 1:8).

Jesus was leaving his disciples to return to the right hand of God the Father, and wanted them to rest assured that he was not deserting them. The Holy Spirit would be with them to provide guidance and power in their mission to spread the gospel throughout the world. Wright describes, “…the point of the Spirit is to enable those who follow Jesus to take into all the world the news that he is Lord, that he has won the victory over the forces of evil, that a new world has opened up, and that we are to help make that happen.” (Simply Christian, p. 122).

For churches that become focused on what their members can accomplish, who see their earthly ministries as being powered by themselves, a tragic misunderstanding has occurred, states Wright. Instead, the church ceases to be the church without God’s Spirit. The Spirit allows people, as the church, to BE the people of God.

So, what is the Spirit enabling the church to do? Wright describes that the church is to carry forward the work of Jesus. In Acts, the author refers to his previous book – the Gospel of Luke – where he described all that Jesus began to do and teach. “The implication is clear: that the story of the church, led and energized by the power of the Spirit, is the story of Jesus continuing to do and to teach – through his Spirit-led people… that’s why we pray that God’s kingdom will come, and his will will be done, “on earth as it is in heaven,” (p. 135). The Spirit provides the power by which God’s kingdom is made manifest on Earth.

As people of God, we get to share in this kingdom, by the relationship within the Triune God. Wright says, “… one way of understanding the Spirit is to see the Spirit as the personal love which the Father has for the Son and the Son for the Father. In that understanding, we are invited to share in this inner and loving life of God, by having the Spirit live within us,” (p. 139). That’s a humbling and awesome thought. The Holy Spirit that comes into us in Holy Baptism is the pure love that flows between the three persons of the Trinity. The Spirit is always with us and, as Saint Paul tells the Romans, “… the Spirit helps us in our weakness… he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God,” (Romans 8:26-27).

There is a pure and simple truth in pondering the Holy Spirit – as Christians, we have everything we need through the life, death, and resurrection of Christ. He sent us his Holy Spirit to support our life and the work of his church on earth. As people of God, there’s remarkably very little that God expects us to do. Literally nothing without his help.

I find such peace and freedom in that. I hope you do too.

Home and Family, Lutheranism

Love and Be Loved

May 22, 2015May 22, 2015 kelseybonilla

I love listening to Mateo sing the songs he learns at preschool. Witnessing how his Lutheran education is instilling the love of Christ and putting the Word of God on his lips at this young age is incredibly fulfilling. Teo loves to sing and his sweet pronunciation tickles me to no end. Lately he’s been singing a song with these biblical lyrics: “This is my commandment that you love one another, that your joy may be full.” The past two weeks the gospel readings at church have been from John, chapter 15. It was very fun to tell Teo, “Listen, it’s the words from your song!” He lit up with recognition and joy.

While Teo is learning and reciting the fundamental message of these verses, there’s so much more depth of meaning than can be captured in the lyrics of a children’s song. This chapter is rich with Good News. Jesus tells his disciples: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you,” (John 15:12). Before this declarative conclusion, Jesus describes his relationship to his disciples through the metaphor of the vine and its branches:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the world that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing,” (John 15:1-5).

If we are the branches, what does this verse tell us? What fruit are we to bear?

The good fruits we produce are the fruits of the spirit and the good works we do for our neighbor. When we abide in Christ and bear fruit, God, the vinedresser, will prune away the distractions of the world and our sinful nature so that we produce more good fruit. Notice that this is not a commandment. It’s not written as “Thou shalt love one another” as a demand of God’s Law. Rather, it’s an outflowing of love from abiding in Christ – “Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit…” As Christ explicitly tells us, we can do nothing apart from him. If we view our good words toward our neighbor as a requirement for our salvation, something we do to earn God’s favor, we are doomed. Instead, we love our neighbor out of the outflowing of Christ’s love, from the vine to the branches.

Loving our neighbor, then, is what we do as Christians. From the abundance of Christ’s love for us, we in turn love his people. But, we don’t have to make big, splashy demonstrations of love. We’re not trying to earn our holiness or prove our worthiness. Instead, we love by way of the little, day-to-day actions of serving our family, friends, and neighbors with a disposition of love and kindness.

Luther has a wonderful teaching on the doctrine of vocation. Everyone within the body of Christ has particular vocations – father, mother, son, daughter, pastor, parishioner, teacher, doctor, garbage collector. Our Pastor likes to refer to these jobs as “the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker.” All of the roles and duties are important and needed within the body of Christ. We are called to fulfill our vocations in order to love and serve our neighbors. In Luther’s Small Catechism he states that God uses everyone within the economic food chain to provide our “daily bread.” God, therefore, works through people, in their ordinary stations of life, to care for his creation.

At last year’s Catechism Convocation, the pastor leading the children’s lesson described vocation through his daughter bringing him lunch. He explained that God was acting to provide him his daily bread through the entire chain of ranchers, farmers, truck drivers, grocers, and even his daughter. Therefore, while he thanked his daughter for preparing the sandwich, he also thanked God for ministering to him by using his daughter in her God-given vocation as a daughter.

I find so much peace and joy in abiding in God’s love and fulfilling my vocations as a daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend, employee, parishioner, and citizen. Knowing that God is working through me to raise my children, love my husband, serve my neighbor, perform my job duties, and enrich my family, is simple, beautiful, and inspiring.

Recently I had a realization that, given my penchant for analyzing and learning, I could fall into the trap of “always learning, never producing.” That thought reminded me of a lesson from The Happiness Trap. Dr. Harris explains that we have very little control over our thoughts and feelings, but a lot of control over our actions. In other words, instead of being caught up in your thoughts, go DO something. Figure out what you value and do something that aligns with your values. As a Christian, what I value the most is fulfilling my calling as a citizen of Christ’s kingdom, which is simply “to love the Lord your God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves” (Mark 12:30-31). I don’t have to strive to perform or struggle to succeed in these callings or vocations. He’s working through me. His love is sufficient. I can rest in God’s perfect love, while also being active in loving my neighbor.

Jesus tells his disciples that they are to love and be loved – “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love” (John 15:9).

How blessed we are to rest in this truth: hrough abiding in Christ, we are called to love, and be loved.

Lutheranism

Holy Absolution

May 18, 2015May 18, 2015 kelseybonilla

Some time ago, I was given an assignment by a good friend from church who has encouraged me in my blogging. A couple months back, she turned to me after Holy Absolution and asked, “Would you please write a post on the biblical basis for a Pastor to forgive sins on behalf of Christ?” Since she was raised in a non-liturgical Christian tradition and my childhood roots are in Catholicism, this seemed like a fair question and a good blogging assignment. “Sure,” I said with a smile.

While I really appreciated the question and wanted to give the answer justice, I found myself paralyzed, both from a lack of time devoted to blogging and a deficiency of biblical reference knowledge. I knew, vaguely, that Christ had sent the apostles, during the Great Commission, to make disciples of all nations, which I assumed implied the forgiveness of sins. However, the text from Matthew actually doesn’t mention absolution or forgiveness directly:

Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:16-20)

Although forgiveness isn’t explicitly mentioned, the nature of discipleship is to spread the Good News that Christ paid the penalty for our transgressions and through baptism we are united to him and clothed in his righteousness. The fact that our sins are forgiven is fundamental to the Christian understanding of salvation through Christ’s perfect sacrifice. Still, I needed to find the verse where Christ authorized priests and pastors to forgive sins on his behalf.

Fortunately, the wisdom of Fr. Rolheiser provided me a great roadmap to discuss this topic. In Forgotten Among the Lilies: Learning to Love Beyond Our Fears (have I mentioned how wonderful this book is?!) Rolheiser cites John 20:23 as the text that has traditionally been interpreted to authorize “the institution of the sacrament of reconciliation,” (pg. 166). This passage of John recounts when Jesus appears to the disciples:

On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.” And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, it is withheld.” (John 20:19-23)

The word Jesus uses here echoes the Great Commission, in that he’s sending the disciples out to teach the world the Good News. He’s is extending his mission to the disciples, calling them to be his representatives in the world. As Christ came to the world to represent God the Father, so the disciples are to stand in his stead. The main purpose of their mission is to forgive the sins of others by making them disciples through Holy Baptism.

In his Small Catechism, Martin Luther also cites John 20:23 as the biblical authority for pastors pronouncing the forgive sins on behalf of God. In response to the question, “What is Confession?” Luther states: “Confession has two parts. First, that we confess our sins, and second that we receive absolution, that is, forgiveness, from the pastor as from God, Himself, not doubting, but firmly believing that by it our sings are forgiven before God in heaven,” (Small Catechism, pg. 26).

In catechism classes, our Pastor has often explained that he stands in the stead of Christ, only in the specific sacramental parts of the liturgy when he proclaims God’s word of absolution, performs baptisms, and presides over Holy Communion. I looked up the Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod’s explanation on Confession and Absolution, which, after also citing John 20:23, states:

Sometimes visitors in a Lutheran service of worship are surprised to hear in the general confession and absolution our pastors saying: “Upon this your confession, I, as a called and ordained servant of the Word, announce the grace of God to all of you, and in the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”

Our Lutheran Confessions help us to understand why our pastors speak this way: “It is not the voice or word of the man who speaks it, but it is the Word of God, who forgives sin, for it is spoken in God’s stead and by God’s command,”(AC XXV.3).

Furthermore, it’s important to note that the rite of Holy Absolution does not actually forgive our sins. Salvation comes through the sacraments of Holy Baptism and Holy Communion. Holy Absolution is a rite to provide comfort to the citizens of Christ’s kingdom by reminding them that their sins were previously absolved in Baptism and through the Lord’s Supper.

Hopefully I’ve illuminated the biblical basis from which the liturgical churches have justified absolution being proclaimed by pastors. It’s not absolution from a man, but rather the Word of God which pronounces the forgiveness of sins through Christ.

Lutheranism, My Awakening

The Tender Moment

May 8, 2015May 27, 2015 kelseybonilla

When I finally, finally learned to be in the moment and rest with my feelings, it was painfully obvious how much of life I’d missed out on. The highly emotional girl that once cried at the drop of the hat and was often overwhelmed with empathy, had been smothered by a young woman who’d decided that strong emotions were no longer safe or tolerable.

For years, I suppressed any emotion that I couldn’t describe as “happy” which meant a lack of connection to the people and circumstances with which God had surrounded me. I couldn’t let the sweetness, vulnerability, and raw beauty of life in. Couldn’t appreciate the many, many blessings that were completely a gift from God.

As the months have unfolded these past couple years, I have come to savor that feeling of awe, wonder, and gratefulness for life. The fact that my little life has been blessed and orchestrated by God to interact with the particular places and people that surround me, it’s so humbling. I love taking the time to really listen to my kids stories, visit with a neighbor, share my day with Dennis, gaze at the sunset, pet our little dog Claira, while thanking God for it all.

There’s a poignancy in these moments that I couldn’t quite describe with words, until I read Forgotten Among the Lilies. Rolheiser says:

“What constitutes a tender moment? Anything in life that helps make us aware of our deep connectedness with each other, our common struggle, our common wound, our common sin, and our common need for help: the suffering face of another which mirrors our own pain, the sense of our physical mortality, the acceptance of our own sin, the beauty of nature, the eagerness and innocence of children, the fragility of the aged, and, of course, not least, moments of intimacy, of friendship, of celebration, of every kind of shared joy, pain, or vulnerability.”

Yes, that’s the type of moment I’d come to appreciate and crave when I regained peace with my innermost feelings.

These tender moments, according to Rolheiser, are the essence of prayer – “To have a tender moment is to pray,” he states. He further explains that we’re told to “pray always” which “implies that we need to be praying even when we are not formally saying prayers.” This brings to mind the idea of resting in prayer. Being in a state of prayerful thanksgiving, even when our minds are resting in God and refraining from forming words or trying to figure everything out.

I love the way Rolheiser describes this condition: “To pray always, as Jesus says, implies that we read the signs of the times, that we look at the conspiracy of accidents which shape our lives and read in these the finger and providence of God. The language of God is the experience that God writes into our lives. To pray means to read our lives religiously.”

The conspiracy of accidents! Such a perfect phrase for the wildness of life. What peace and hope lie in the fact that God is providentially guiding our lives through all the accidents of circumstance.

Resting in prayer and the stillness of God creates so many beautiful moments of tenderness. To stay present with the Lord, Rolheiser declares, “We need, daily, to pick up the tender moment.”