Today Be Still and Know turns seven years old! Also, before this post, I’ve posted 300 times on this blog. That’s a lot of sharing!
Looking back on my first post on February 22, 2014, I’m struck by how much still rings true. Over these seven years I’ve been walking with Christ and trusting in grace, through ups and down, mountains and valleys. God is always faithful and the Holy Spirit is a constant source of comfort. When I struggle with control and anxiety, it’s because I’ve strayed, never Him.
Through these years, I have grown in my dependence on Christ for everything. Sanctification is a lifelong process and maturity as a Christian looks like deeper dependence, rather than independence. In a Lutheran Hour Ministries Daily Devotion last year, Dr. Kari Vo wrote this about the process of sanctification: “So what is our part in this great transformation process? It is simply to let it happen—to let God do what He’s going to do—to relax and enjoy the process, and every so often, try something new that God is putting before us—a new challenge, a small change or an insight into a difficult situation that might make a difference.”
I love this idea so much! It encapsulates the idea of cease striving, which is another translation of be still. Over these seven years, through acceptance and trust in God, I have been present in the moment to truly experience the full spectrum of emotions. Whether I’m facing medical concerns with my diabetes or cancer screenings, or sharing parenting struggles, or fighting my inner perfectionist, acceptance of myself and dependence on God’s grace are ever present themes. John Kleinig writes: “We are not called to become more spiritual by disengaging from our earthly life, but simply to rely on Jesus as we do what is given for us to do, experience what is given for us to experience, and enjoy what is given for us to enjoy,” Grace Upon Grace, pg. 23. God provides everything we need for this life. Resting in that truth brings such peace and joy.
Thank you for coming alongside me through these years of sharing life and learning to be present to the gifts of grace that only God provides!
As a diabetic, I evaluate my food intake quite a lot. For years, considering what I was going to eat took up way more mental space and energy than I wanted. I’ve eaten a pretty low carbohydrate diet since I was pregnant with Sienna and had to dramatically cut and monitor my daily carbs to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Then, probably about eight years ago, I discovered the paleo diet and further limited my food choices to meat, vegetables, nuts, eggs, and some fruit.
At first, this style of eating was really helpful for maintaining my blood sugar. However, it was obviously limiting and my other health numbers weren’t where we needed them to be: cholesterol, most notably. Since I started taking an additional diabetes medication about five years ago, my cholesterol had been elevated. My endocrinologist kept telling me that a statin in was my future, once I hit 40. There are so many things that magically become an issue at 40!
Eye sight, cancer screenings, and cholesterol medication, oh my!
At the end of last summer, I started reading about the bean protocol. Ironically, it was a paleo blog that introduced me to this approach to eating! Juli of PaleOMG struggled with acne for years and eating beans several times per day cleared up her skin completely. I went to the source of this protocol and discovered an amazing story of one mom’s quest to save her daughter after she was poisoned by insecticide as a toddler. Eating a ton of fiber (mostly from beans) helped her daughter’s liver and kidneys to fully detox when doctors told her (back in 1989) that there was no way to treat her symptoms.
If you’re interested, definitely check out Karen Hurd’s website. The theory, in a nutshell, is that many of the health conditions people experience are due to our hormones being recycled through the body. When we eat enough fiber, those excess hormones are excreted from the body and therefore are not recycled and wreaking havoc on our immune systems. As I researched further, I was intrigued mostly on behalf of Sienna. We’ve tried various dietary approaches to help her focus, in an effort to avoid the medications she does not want to take. ADD/ADHD is one of many conditions that this protocol can improve.
Curiosity and a gut instinct that this protocol could help us all, I gradually increased my bean and fiber intake over a couple weeks, until I was eating 5-6 servings of beans daily in early September. I then started transitioning our entire family, adding beans to meals and researching fun recipes to try. As you would imagine, your body has to adjust to all the fiber, but it wasn’t a big deal for any of us.
Sienna is doing well in school and not taking any medications! She says that math tutoring and her overall maturation as a student are the reason for her success, which is definitely true. However, I think her healthy diet and the extra fiber are helping too.
An unexpected and delightful result of this approach came when I had my annual blood test in late October. I knew that my endocrinologist would advise I start a statin for my cholesterol, if my numbers continued to run in the 200-220 range. After two months of eating a ton of beans, my total cholesterol was down to 154! Wow. That was all the proof I needed that this works and I’m sticking with it! Other benefits I’ve noticed are weight loss, healthier skin, obviously regularity, and more interesting meal options!
There are so many delicious recipes to fit beans into baked goods and treats. This cookie dough dip is a favorite! I’ll use a sugar substitute to keep the carbohydrates down. I created a pizza crust for me to enjoy on our Friday pizza nights. It includes a couple tablespoons of chickpea flour and it’s much closer to a real crust than the many paleo options I’ve tried. My favorite option is a barbeque chicken pizza on this crust (that’s it in the photo!). I’ve really had fun with expanding the types of foods we’re eating, discovering new recipes, and feeling a deeper peace around food choices.
Finding the bean protocol felt like an answer to prayer. For months I’d prayed that God would help free my mind and spirit from struggling with food choices and the associated diabetic guilt. This approach has simplified my eating with one overarching focus: include beans in each meal. Beans are already so versatile, but there are also bean flours, bean chips, bean tortillas, and so many other products made of beans. I’d also been praying for a clear path forward in treating Sienna’s ADD. In addition to adding all the beans, we’ve also reduced sugar for the entire family, especially during the school week. Those things together are helping so much.
So, that’s my story of how beans are helping our family in a variety of ways. Let me know if you have any questions!
Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself thinking about the future a lot. These aren’t deep thoughts about goals or dreams I hope to achieve. They aren’t about planning trips or looking forward to something fun I’d love to do – though one day soon hopefully!
No, these are little things like: Should I make the minestrone soup tonight or just serve leftovers? Should I go for a run this afternoon or would tomorrow morning be better? Do I have all the ingredients for those muffins I wanted to make later this week? Then again, I made those overnight oats which I should probably eat soon. Which book am I going to read next? Maybe I should change that eye doctor appointment for later in the month, or maybe I should keep it for next week to get it over with…?
You get the idea.
Decision fatigue is a real thing, let me tell you. I’ve been known to ask one of my kids to pick out a shirt for me to wear or “Pick a number between one and three!” to help me select which book to read next from my “To Read” cubby.
The worst part is when I get into the mental loop where options are endless and my mind strives to make the “right” choice when actually any choice is equally valid. Run today or tomorrow? Make one dish for dinner or another? Listen to an audiobook on my walk or don’t? It doesn’t matter! I’m sure some of this extra mental chatter is due to the ongoing pandemic and the amount of time we’re spending at home. The routine feels very routine right now. I’m sure on some level I’m trying to extract meaning and purpose from the daily humdrum.
There are also a lot of voices coming at us, all the time. I’ve greatly limited my social media intake in 2021, but still between books, blogs, conversations and the occasional Instagram or Facebook scroll, there is so much information in the world that constantly sends the message that we should be effortlessly organized, fit, beautiful, and productive. If things aren’t going your way, just think differently or try this new product or figure out a new life hack to make everything fall into place.
Not only is all of this exhausting, it’s also not what God teaches us about humanity or our need for Jesus’s saving grace. I loved this quote from a recent (in)courage article: A life of simplicity, an un-frazzled mind, and a contented heart come not from what the world tells us to pursue but from trusting God. When we focus on Jesus rather than on what others are doing or thinking, we find the simpler life that allows us to rest and be at peace with who we are. Inner simplicity comes when we stop seeking wisdom in our own eyes or in the eyes of others, and we start seeking wisdom from the Lord.
God meets us in the messiness of our daily lives. The ups and downs, struggles and successes are all part of our spiritual journey. John Kleinig wrote: “We are not called to become more spiritual by disengaging from our earthly life, but simply to rely on Jesus as we do what is given for us to do, experience what is given for us to experience, and enjoy what is given for us to enjoy.” Grace Upon Grace, pg. 23. What I hear when I read those words is a relaxed, receptive posture towards life.
Instead of striving to plan and accomplish all the things, we can rest in God’s provision for our lives. Instead of trying to control our emotions, we can rest is Christ’s love and care, regardless of the emotional weather we’re currently in. Instead of the mental chatter that the world exacerbates on a daily basis, we can live a simpler, less frazzled life that bring so much more peace.
As St. Paul told the Romans: I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2.
I’m navigating a lot of transitions in life right now. My sweet girl just became a teenager and she’s asserting herself and taking more responsibility for her schoolwork. At work, the Team I’ve managed for the past few years is being restructured. One group has already split off and other individuals are slowly transitioning into new roles with new responsibilities. My part to play in these cases is to support, listen, coach and encourage others to make decisions and solve problems for themselves.
Through these changes, I keep reminding myself to ask questions instead of telling people how they ought to behave. I set little electronic reminders on my computer and phone to keep me in this mindset. Like this one for Sienna: Use information, consequences, choice. Without lectures, micro-management or rescue. I’ve been praying before many interactions with both my daughter and my direct reports; asking God to guide my words and help me to listen first and seek to understand.
Through these experiences, I started hearing a little quiet voice ask “Is it your words you need to change or your heart?”
Saying helpful words is the outward display of an inner state. Trying to speak in a way that Sienna receives as supportive is flat out manipulative if deep down I’m trying to control her behavior. If I want her to feel that I believe she’s capable and can handle difficult things, I need to actually believe it! She reads me like a book. I can’t fool her with fancy wordsmithing (believe me, I’ve tried!).
Reviewing an evaluation at work today, I noted several comments about “choosing my words carefully” which got me thinking. No, you don’t have to choose your words carefully if you change your heart about the situation! You’ll be able to speak freely and confidently, once your heart is aligned with your values and how you want to be in the world.
Reminds me of something I was told years ago, “As long as you know you’re acting in accordance with the Holy Spirit, you’ll never have to fear making a mistake.” Or, as my friend and I remind each other frequently, “Do the right thing for the right reason, and trust God with the result.”
These experiences have left me reflecting on the relationship between our hearts and our words. Trying to change my behavior without changing my heart is not helpful. God wants to change my heart and oriented it toward him, rather than just be a self-help guru to get me through the day.
To drive home the message, my morning Bible reading brought me to Psalm 19 today, which concludes:
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14.
In anticipation of a hike we’re leading in a couple weeks for Sienna and her classmates, our family took a Martin Luther King, Jr. Day hike up Black Mountain. This mountain is right near our home and the school, but we’ve never hiked it! Monday was the day. The teachers recommended we take the Nighthawk Trail up to the summit, which is about 2 miles each day. Easy peasy, we thought. We brought Claira along and she was excited to get out of the house and stretch her legs!
Well, this route turned out to be steep and rocky! The first pitch of the trail was particularly steep and the kids expressed their dismay. Claira bounded up the path like a little Billy goat! She provided some comic relief and joy as the day grew hotter and the rocky trail grew tedious. Sienna wanted to turn around after less than a mile. “Come on, you can do it!” I encouraged, “Think how proud you’ll be when you reach the top!” We talked about perseverance as a virtue and value.
At one point, she tried to call my bluff and retreated down the hill as the rest of us kept climbing. Teo was torn and started to slow down. “Mom, she’s really not turning around!” he called to me. Fortunately, a sweet golden retriever named Ninja and his owner stopped to allow Claira and Ninja to greet one another. Dennis petted Ninja (dogs and babies love this guy!) for several minutes, giving Sienna and Mateo the opportunity to slowly catch up to us.
What a great reminder not to worry and try to micro-manage a family outing! Everything works out when you let people have their authentic experience and express themselves.
We made it to the top and the attitudes of our family of hikers improved tremendously! We took pictures and enjoyed the amazing view on a beautiful January day. As we retraced our steps down the mountain, we stopped at another lookout spot where Claira stood on a rock and surveyed the landscape. We laughed as we noted that she looked like Simba on Pride Rock and roared, like in the closing scenes of The Lion King. So silly!
Going downhill in steep, rocky terrain actually requires more concentration than going uphill. Especially if, like Sienna and me, you opt to wear Keds and worn running shoes, respectfully. The guys were much more surefooted with their hiking boots. We all slid a few times, which gives you such a burst of adrenaline! I focused on keeping my balance and making confident steps and prayed: Holy Spirit, please guide my steps. I knew there was a Bible verse about the Lord directing our steps, but didn’t know the specific reference.
During my run yesterday afternoon, it was incredibly windy! A few times I had to go off the paved pathway to go around other pedestrians and there was debris blowing in my face. The same prayer popped into my mind: Holy Spirit, please guide my steps. This simple mantra brought peace to my heart and calmed my mind.
Today I opened a daily devotional book and turned to January 20th. The Bible verse quoted was from Psalm 37, verse 23: The steps of a man are directed and established of the Lord, when he delights in his way… So, now I know.
Allowing God to guide my steps is such a reassuring place to live, both in the moments of potential danger and in the everyday moments of life.
Lying in bed last night, I could feel my mind turning on as I turned out the light. Fortunately, I’d been practicing all my acceptance skills during the day and felt at peace. A few hours ago, my mind tried to hook me with stories about whether or not I’d sleep well that night. I lovingly replied (yes, out loud) “Thanks, Mind. That’s an interesting story that you’ve told me repeatedly. I don’t need to hear it again.”
Acceptance doesn’t stop the unrelenting mind, but it does put it in its proper place.
Last night, I prayed and rested in God’s embrace. When anxious thoughts popped up, I let them be and refocused on breathing. Repeatedly running “your grace is sufficient for me” through my mind also helped quiet my body and spirit.
At one point, Dennis’s breathing sounded really loud. Initially, this was annoying and I elbowed him once to turn over. Then, a calming and accepting idea occurred to me and I prayed: “Thank you, God that Dennis is here breathing beside me.”
It didn’t stop the noise, but it sure changed my experience of it.
Reflecting back, I see how frequently I’ve used the idea of “acceptance” in a flippant way, as a means to regain my sense of control over my feelings. True acceptance is literally “taking what is given”. Sometimes feelings are enjoyable and sometimes they’re not. Accepting means I don’t have to spend time and energy striving to fix or alter my thoughts and feelings.
This morning, I was reminded of a quote from Tish Harrison Warren that I’ve found so meaningful over the years: “The vulnerable places where I find fear are the very places that Jesus is willing to enter and fill until there is only room for love. The stillness I am seeking leaves space in me to be filled by Jesus. The empty isn’t empty if God enters it.”
Previously, the part about stillness leaving space to be filled by Jesus caught my attention most poignantly. Today though, my heart responded to: The empty isn’t empty if God enters it.
God entered my heart and mind during moments of anxiety last night. He filled the space where fear wanted to reside. These parts of our lives that feel most vulnerable and scary are the very ones that the triune God uses to pull us closer to him.
Getting back into work and school on Monday, which was also Mateo’s 10th Birthday started off the week on a high. We’d had a wonderful couple weeks of celebration for Christmas and New Years, so we kept the party going to start the week. But, what comes up must come down, right?
Since then, my thoughts and feelings have been up and down. I’ve felt joy and exhilaration and accomplishment and boredom and anxiety and exhaustion, to name a few. The irony of having just posted about acceptance, and then having my struggle switch flip as I fought to regain a sense of contentment, is not lost on me.
Oh, but God is good. He has been lovingly holding me in his embrace as I struggle and try to take control, give it back, take it again, give it back…
Music has a way of sidestepping my analytical mind and touching my heart. Many of the tender moments of surrender I’ve experienced over the years were triggered by just the right song when I needed it most. Several months ago I really connected with a Casting Crowns song on the radio: Just Be Held. These lyrics touched me most deeply:
Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong But life hits you out of nowhere And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting Chained by your control There’s freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held Just be held, just be held
It is so comforting to remind myself to rest in the embrace of God and let him hold me. Control is something I struggle with, obviously. Surrender is the opposite and it’s the path to freedom and true rest. Henri Nouwen wrote, “The Spirit of love says: Don’t be afraid to let go of your need to control your own life. Let me fulfill the true desire of your heart.” Here and Now, pg. 67.
This photo of Sienna has been on my computer screensaver all week. I love gazing at it. Her big brown eyes and sweet hands around her face capture vulnerability and trust. Her childlike dependence is what I’m leaning into as I rest in my utter dependence on Christ.
Lord, please help stop striving to control my thoughts and feelings and just be held.
This year, I intentionally did not set any goals or resolutions. I’ve learned that striving to achieve measurable outcomes leads me down a path toward self-reliance. It’s hard to rest in God and be present in the moment when I am focused on all the tasks I need to accomplish.
Heading into the office for the first time in a couple weeks, I naturally felt a bit down. We had such a delightfully cozy Christmas, fun New Year, and joyous celebration of the kids’ birthdays (Teo’s will continue this evening!) that coming into work couldn’t match the feeling of celebration and enthusiasm. Nor should it. The highs in life feel special because they are different from everyday life. We can’t have the highs without the lows (or the everydayness).
Preparing for the New Year, I’ve been praying a lot about acceptance and not trying to control my emotions. The image in this post is a great example of what acceptance looks like! It’s really just letting thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to fix or change them.
Today I realized, when I don’t strive to be in control of my emotions and feel “happy” through thinking only “positive” thoughts, it can lead to a sense of hopelessness and discontent. But, there is a more pure joy and hopefulness that comes from resting in God and trusting his promises. When my focus is on Christ and the freedom he has won for us, my heart is open and able to delight in whatever is happening in the given moment.
I received faith themed planner stickers as a Christmas gift. I’ve avoided planner stickers as they started to become popular because I don’t use a traditional planner. But, these stickers are so fun and exactly my style! They work wonderfully in my bullet journal and added some whimsy to my otherwise boring list of “to dos”. Looking at them now, they simply state some of the many Biblical promises we can rely upon in daily life:
“He has plans for me”
“Ask and it will be given to you”
“Seek and you will find”
“Knock at the door will be opened to you”
“Hope anchors the soul”
“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for…”
“I can do all things through Him that strengthens me”
“The Lord bless you and keep you”
In 2021, my prayer is that God helps me stay rooted in Him and living more from my heart than from my head. I want to feel more deeply, which means that I’ll experience both the highs and lows. Acceptance feels most safe when I remember that God is utterly trustworthy and loves me beyond comprehension.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Going into the biopsy appointment this morning, I felt peace. Prayers had been poured out on me by family and friends all week. My sweet Pastor prayed for me over the phone yesterday afternoon. I trusted God with the process and the outcome of the test. Like in so many things in life, I knew that I couldn’t truly prepare for the procedure ahead of time or know what exactly to expect. I’d breathe deeply and pray my way through the experience. Or so I thought…
Unfortunately, my anxiety started to build as they got me situated in the mammogram machine and I waited for the first numbing injection. Breathing deeply was made more difficult by the mask I was wearing. I tolerated the first injection fine, but when the doctor told me, “These next two injections are going to go much deeper into the breast tissue,” I started to panic. I could feel the next injection deeply.
“I feel like I’m going to faint,” I said. The next thing I know (a minute or two later?) I was out of the mammogram machine, lying down and feeling all those terrible fainting feelings: sweaty, shaky, panicked breathing. I started saying, “I’m sorry” over and over again to the doctor, technician and assistant.
As I started to feel relatively better, but still not ready to sit up, the doctor and I talked through the options. She suggested we could just complete the left-side biopsy and put off the right-side for later. That sounded good to me! She said I’d have to be able to sit up through the procedure. I asked, “How long does it take?” to which she replied, “Twenty minutes”.
“No way! I won’t be able to do that,” I told her bluntly.
My history of fainting goes pretty far back. I fainted twice when I was 12-year-olds: during my immunizations and also when I got my ears pierced. Laying on the floor behind the cash registers at the Bayshore Mall Claire’s is still one of my most humiliating moments! For many years I asked to lay down for blood draws for diabetes related tests. I overcame that particular issue when I was pregnant and had SO MANY blood draws.
I’ve either fainted or vomited during most all IVs I’ve experienced. Just a couple months ago, I had an eye exam that involved an IV and I did fine! Perhaps that gave me a false sense of confidence going into today’s procedure.
It didn’t even occur to me that I might pass out during the biopsies. I’m not sure why: maybe just my optimistic nature or because it’s been over a decade since I’ve fainted. If I’d been cognizant of this possibility, I would not have felt such peace all week. As I posted on FB yesterday: But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble (Matthew 6:31-34). I didn’t know the awful feelings that awaited me today, until it happened. Ultimately, God protected me by limiting the scope of my imagination ahead of time.
There’s a peace in acknowledging that my body’s response of fainting during invasive medical procedures is beyond my control. If I could tolerate this type of thing, I would gladly do it! I feel empowered to at least be armed with this knowledge so I can talk to my doctors about how to proceed with monitoring or performing future tests for breast cancer. Thankfully, the doctor told me today that she expects the results would be benign and advised I could follow-up in six months. The lack of urgency is comforting.
Thank you ALL for the care and concern you’ve shown me. Your prayers for peace and a good result were answered! I felt peace and I’m not spending the next few days worrying about a test result.
Today didn’t go at all as I expected, but I trust that God has a plan. Last night, Teo referred to the poem he memorized for Speech Meet in second grade when he prayed, “Whatever is, is best, God”. Such true and comforting words.
Over the past several weeks, Mateo and I have been praying together nightly. It started out as a routine on the nights when it was my turn to read with him. Then, one night after Dennis left his room, Teo called for me asking, “Can we pray?” Our sporadic prayer practice had finally become a deeper need and routine.
I always start out the prayer by thanking God for blessings that come to mind and for Jesus our Savior. Then, I’ll add some prayers of petition before Teo contributes what’s on his heart and mind. He sometimes echoes prayers that I said, but more and more his prayers are uniquely his own. A couple weeks ago he said, “I pray for all the people who are sick or injured or need to know you, God. Also, for all the things you know about God, that we don’t know.” Wow. I was stunned by the depth of that simple prayer.
Learning to live in the moment and be fully present has been a huge focus in my life for nearly eight years! I’m just starting to realize how much prayer helps in this pursuit. In Here and Now, Henri Nouwen writes, “Prayer is the discipline of the moment. When we pray, we enter into the presence of God whose name is God-with-us. To pray is to listen attentively to the One who addresses us here and now.” So true! Prayer has the power to still our hearts and minds to wait on God for a response in His time.
Living in the moment is all well and good, but ultimately it’s directed at the goal of trusting in God. I can relinquish my drive for control because I know that almighty God is in charge and he loves me. The next sentence after the one quoted above is: “When we dare to trust that we are never alone but that God is always with us, always cares for us, and always speaks to us, then we can gradually detach ourselves from the voices that make us guilty or anxious and thus allow ourselves to dwell in the present moment,” (pg. 22). Wow, amazing.
On Thursday night, as I was still processing the mammogram results, Teo and I started to pray. I prayed for many things and ended with one for myself: “God, please let the biopsy results be benign. Please help me to be strong through the procedure and the days of waiting afterwards.” I paused and then encouraged Teo to contribute his petitions.
He spoke his usual universal prayers for all people and all that God knows about, including those dealing with illness. Then he said, “… and most of all…”
Oh, I thought with a sigh, he’s going to pray for his mom now.
“Most of all, please let the Dolphins beat the Chiefs this Sunday,” he finished with feeling.
I burst out laughing and tears sprang into my eyes. Teo look startled and I teased, “Yes, MOST of all, the Dolphins game is very important!” He started laughing too.
Children are the best! I love witnessing their ability to be present and ultimately trust that God and their parents are taking care of everything. Nouwen writes: “Joy and laughter are the gifts of living in the presence of God and trusting that tomorrow is not worth worrying about,” (pg. 37).
