This week! Goodness gracious.
Getting back into work and school on Monday, which was also Mateo’s 10th Birthday started off the week on a high. We’d had a wonderful couple weeks of celebration for Christmas and New Years, so we kept the party going to start the week. But, what comes up must come down, right?
Since then, my thoughts and feelings have been up and down. I’ve felt joy and exhilaration and accomplishment and boredom and anxiety and exhaustion, to name a few. The irony of having just posted about acceptance, and then having my struggle switch flip as I fought to regain a sense of contentment, is not lost on me.
Oh, but God is good. He has been lovingly holding me in his embrace as I struggle and try to take control, give it back, take it again, give it back…
Music has a way of sidestepping my analytical mind and touching my heart. Many of the tender moments of surrender I’ve experienced over the years were triggered by just the right song when I needed it most. Several months ago I really connected with a Casting Crowns song on the radio: Just Be Held. These lyrics touched me most deeply:
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
It is so comforting to remind myself to rest in the embrace of God and let him hold me. Control is something I struggle with, obviously. Surrender is the opposite and it’s the path to freedom and true rest. Henri Nouwen wrote, “The Spirit of love says: Don’t be afraid to let go of your need to control your own life. Let me fulfill the true desire of your heart.” Here and Now, pg. 67.
This photo of Sienna has been on my computer screensaver all week. I love gazing at it. Her big brown eyes and sweet hands around her face capture vulnerability and trust. Her childlike dependence is what I’m leaning into as I rest in my utter dependence on Christ.
Lord, please help stop striving to control my thoughts and feelings and just be held.