Be Still and Know

This week the weather turned hot and I had two nagging blisters on my toes. Suffice it to say, my runs were practically non-existent. I tried going out early on Wednesday to beat the heat, but ended up doing a run/walk because my blisters hurt.

Cutting myself some slack, I decided to rest my body and prepare for a nice long run today. I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m., figuring I needed to get out early to fit in two hours of running before the heat caught up with me. I laid out my clothes, found some sunscreen to apply in the morning, bandaged up one big toe for blister prevention, and settled into bed to read for a bit before sleep.

Having not set an alarm for several weeks, my mind started racing after I read for nearly an hour, then finally turned off the light. “I need to get to sleep, my alarm goes off in 6 hours!” my mind told me. “I’m not going to have enough energy to run 13.1 miles if I only get 5 hours of sleep!” it taunted later.

The past couple months I’ve been sleeping quite well. After the trauma of returning from our overseas trip and battling the insomnia induced anxiety for weeks and weeks, I’d accepted my situation and rested in God’s faithfulness. Last night, I took a deep breath and prayed for calm and comfort.

Then I remembered why I run.

I don’t run to cross something off my list or achieve a goal I set for myself.

I love my long runs because I get to spend two hours alone with God. I pray, meditate on God’s love, ask for strength, and enjoy the companionable silence of His presence.

This prayerful, contemplative time with God isn’t dependent on achieving a specific emotional or physical state. Sometimes my runs hurt and I struggle through the miles, other times I feel euphoric, like I could run forever. Either way, and in all the many types of runs in between, God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is with me. Simply soaking in the moment and relying on God’s provision for the next step, the next breath, the next moment, is a precious experience.

I peacefully surrendered to the fact that I would feel tired on my run, but that was okay. I didn’t have to run a half marathon distance or hit a certain pace. Those goals are fun to set and shoot for, but they aren’t the true reason I run.

For the first hour of running today, I listened to a book study on Grace Upon Grace: Spirituality for Today by John W. Kleinig. I’m about half way through the 32 sessions that ponder this book that I’ve come to cherish. Pastor Rhode leads his study group through the book slowly and carefully. I’ve loved listening to a session daily since starting this practice on Easter.

Today’s section of the book discussed how the Psalms are wonderful meditations on God’s love and plan for us. They noted many more Psalms are focused on laments, pain and struggle, than on joy and celebration. It’s easy to praise God when we’re feeling contented and hopeful. It’s much harder to acknowledge God’s faithfulness when we hurt and struggle.

I broke into a big smile as this passage was recounted: “The righteous do not know their own way; they do not see where they are going; they travel on an unseen journey with an unseen guide. But the Lord knows their way; invisibly He leads them step-by-step along their way with Him. As they meditate on His World each morning and evening, they discover their way through life, the unseen way in which they travel, like pilgrims to a holy place…” (pg 135).

In little ways, this uncertain, unknowing way of life plays itself out while I run. I don’t know what route I’m going to take exactly, deciding along the way which turns and paths to take. I don’t know what thoughts and feelings will occur to me, what songs I’ll listen to or what moments of inspiration may or may not strike.

There’s so much I don’t know, so I trust that the Lord knows the way. And he faithfully does.

Sienna is currently in her bedroom working on a Latin assignment. On a Sunday. Without being prompted. I’m so tickled by this development. While this time of shutdown has been challenging in ways, I’ve been blown away by the good qualities growing in our family, especially the kids. Sienna and Mateo have been diligent about their school work and are taking greater responsibility for completing their work each day.

As a family, the slower pace of life has given us time and space to linger with thoughts and follow our curiosities. One fun way to indulge this urge is to take a “deep dive” into a topic together. Sienna is studying the Revolutionary War and our Founding Fathers and Mothers right now. She loves history and storytelling, so our family conversations are peppered with stories of the battles and the characters (real and fictional) that she’s recently read. On a walk one afternoon she narrated to me the story of Johnny Tremain for nearly a half hour! I’d never normally have that long an attention span to listen to a retelling of a story.

So that we could better engage with Sienna’s historical accounts, Teo and I read Who Was Alexander Hamilton? during our bedtime readings in early April. It was helpful to remind myself of the struggles between the northern and southern states as they formed our Constitution and figured out how to govern a new nation, especially as Sienna continued her study of the Constitutional Convention.

Typically I’ll listen to Broadway musicals after seeing the show on stage. But, all this information about Alexander Hamilton made me curious to hear the Hamilton musical songs. I played a couple for the kids while we hung out Saturday afternoon, then today I ran for over an hour to the music of Hamilton. So fun! Having the basic biographical info about Alexander Hamilton fresh in mind from my recent reading with Teo made the musical so easy to follow!

I’m in the middle of reading a very interesting Bill Bryson book called At Home: A Short History of Private Life which covers a very wide variety of topics. Today’s section detailed the architectural significance of Monticello and Mount Vernon, the plantation homes of Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, respectively. Sienna was supposed to visit both of these historical homes during her class visit to Williamsburg and the surrounding ares this past month. Unfortunately the trip was cancelled. Her class spent the last week of March doing research projects on the areas they had planned to visit including online virtual tours of Colonial Williamsburg and these Presidential homes. Having just been to Paris, she was obsessed with Monticello because of it’s French influence. She showed me the immense canopies over the bed and asked if she could have one for her room!

There are an endless number of topics or areas of study you could take a deep dive into as a family, especially during this time of quarantine. Getting everyone involved in exploring a topic and learning together as a family is such a joy!

Sitting in the chair in my bedroom is often where I’ll retreat to read. Now that I’m exclusively working from home, it’s where I’ll go to work when the rest of the family is using the living room.  During this quarantine, I’ve discovered a new activity to participate in from my cozy reading corner: watching the kids play together.  Last week they created an elaborate story where they were shepherds; the lamb stuffed animals and large stick (which I assume was a staff) gave it away. 

Since they’ve been at Cambridge, Sienna often makes up stories where she reenacts historical eras.  Last year she was constantly pretending to be medieval characters.  This year she (and her little brother who will pretty much play anything she tells him to) frequently pretend to be colonists.  As she’s been re-reading many of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books recently, they have also created frontier story-lines.  When they gather up dolls, stuffed animals, blankets, and assorted home goods and head to the backyard, you can pretty much bet they’ll be involved in their make-believe world for a few hours. 

When I crack open the sliding glass door in our bedroom, I’ll catch some of their dialogue.  I always grin to myself when I hear them start a sentence with, “Why don’t we pretend that…” or “Okay, now you…” as their imaginative world unfolds.  If you ask Teo, he’ll say he doesn’t have much of an imagination because he’s comparing himself to Sienna.  Her imagination is truly remarkable and she often initiates the story-line of their games.  But, I have seen him engage and contribute more as he’s gotten older and more confident.  

When conflict arises (I mean, they’re siblings, it has to happen), Sienna typically prevails as Teo will relent because he just wants to play with her so much.  But, I’ve even seen that start to balance out a bit more, especially now that we’re quarantined.  If Sienna takes a stand and Teo decides to go play something else, she’s without a playmate!  They’ve both made reconciliation attempts more quickly in this safer-at-home environment. 

I’ve also enjoyed watching them individually during this long period of cozy time at home.  Yesterday, while on the phone with my sister for a couple hours, I watched Teo kicking soccer goals in the backyard.  One of the zip-ties broke and the goal target panel started to gape on one side.  He concentrated on trying to fix the zip-tie for several minutes.  I considered going to help him, but then I remembered something I’d read years ago about mothers and sons.  Boys need to be able to figure things out themselves, it does a lot for their confidence and self-concept.  So, I watched and waited to see if he either figured it out, gave up, or sought help.  He stuck with it for a long time.  Way longer than I would have!  But, eventually he went and found Dennis and they decided to remove the goal targets from the goal.

Sienna has been working on a painting for the past week, as they’ve been on spring break.  She sets up at the patio table which is under a gazebo, so she has been painting rain or shine.  One afternoon I watched her paint as she narrated a story.  I couldn’t hear her, but I assume she was either pretending to be an important painter, or narrating a story of Peter Pan, Wendy, John and Michael, since they are the subject of her painting.  Watching her lost in a story of her own making brings me such joy!

Right now, I’m sitting in my bedroom chair working on my computer and watching Sienna, Mateo and Dennis play football.  Currently, Sienna is quarterback and throwing the ball to the guys while they take turns defending against each other.  Dennis does not take it easy on Teo!  They play hard and crash into the turf frequently.  One end of our yard has a built in fire pit made of stone pavers.  I cringe when I watch Teo jump for balls just inches away from the bricks!  But, he’s pretty sure-footed and hasn’t injured himself yet, so I say little prayers of protection and try to only occasionally shout reminders to be careful.  

This time of quarantine has brought a lot of special moments of connection to our lives.  Slowing way down allows for the time and space to linger in conversation and let days unfold gently and calmly.  Watching my kids play, learn, giggle, grow, try new things, fight, reconcile, and explore the world has been my new favorite pastime.  Like just now, Sienna spiked a football for probably the first time in her life. The look of exhilaration on her face was priceless!  I’m so grateful I was there to see it.

You often hear people say that they don’t enjoy running.  While I love to run, I definitely understand where folks are coming from when they tell me, “I’m just not a runner.”  At the beginning, running is painful.  It hurts to push your body beyond its comfort zone, become winded, and feel your legs strain as they propel you along the path.  Why would anyone do this??

Well, once you push through the initial pain and build up your stamina over several runs, you’ll experience new sensations.  The “runner’s high” is a real thing.  Running longer distances makes the shorter runs feel downright easy.  Running along a flat or slight decline, can feel euphoric, like you could run forever.  Listening to music while running helps cultivate these moments of pure joy when the right song lyrics and beat match your breath and running pace.  It’s the best.

While I love to run, I still find myself avoiding running routes with steep hills.  When you live in a neighborhood whose name means “little cliffs” in Spanish, you have to deal with a lot of hilly terrain. On my long run today, I headed out the Highway 56 bike path to discover police tape at the first major intersection I crossed.  Feeling determined to get in my run, I thought, “That’s odd” and kept going.  When I only passed one other runner in over two miles, I figured something was up.  Sure enough, at the next major intersection there was major police tape blocking both ends of the path. 

As I diverted my running route to the neighborhood, I contemplated the long hills that this route would make me climb.  These long runs are a prayerful time for me, so I breathed deeply and prayed that I’d be able to keep going and not let fear stop me.  “Don’t fear the hills,” ran through my heart and mind.

When I feel trepidation about running a long or steep hill, what I’m actually fearing is discomfort and pain.  I enjoy the feeling of running effortlessly and hills are anything but that!  However, when I allow this fear to dictate my actions, by picking less strenuous routes or worrying about an upcoming hill along my path, it steals strength from my body and joy from my heart. 

I’ve often thought that long distance running is a great metaphor for life, and here’s another example: fearing emotion pain or discomfort in life likewise keeps us from embracing the fullness of our experiences.  Avoidance of pain causes people to do all sorts of unhelpful things.  Truly, the only thing to fear is fear itself. When we allow for the normal ups and downs of life to impact us, we don’t waste our strength or energy trying to keep pain away. 

Ironically, the pain that we fear, whether it be emotional or physical as we run up a steep hill, often isn’t nearly as bad as we anticipated.  Once we are actually in the moment and experiencing pain or discomfort, if we bring our awareness and energy to that moment we can push through and build our resiliency.  Relying on Christ in these moments, with a prayer like “Lord, I can do all things through you who strengthens me,” helps a lot too. 

There are times when I sense that I’m modifying my actions because of a desire to keep feeling “good” and avoid discomfort. Sometimes it’s when I’m plotting a running route and other times it pops up when I’m deciding whether to read something sad or watch something upsetting. When people in my life are struggling, I decide how much to lean in and carry their burdens with them. These moments of pain are like hills in our emotional lives.  I don’t want to let fear keep me from experiencing the full range of emotions and the potential joys of engaging with my loved ones or trying new things. 

Now I have a little shorthand reminder of the way I want to live: “Don’t fear the hills”.

This morning, Sienna greeted me by saying, “I just woke up and said Luther’s Morning Prayer.”

“Really?  How does it go?” I replied.

“I thank You, my Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ, Your dear Son, that You have kept me this night from all harm and danger; and I pray that You would keep me this day also from sin and every evil, that all my doings and life may please You. For into Your hands I commend myself, my body and soul, and all things. Let Your holy angel be with me, that the veil foe may have no power over me. Amen.“

She smiled sweetly as she finished reciting the prayer.  I gave her a hug and soaked in the moment.  We’re all feeling a bit lost and uncertain during this time.  Seeing my angel girl turn to Jesus and pray a prayer she’s been taught for comfort and strength touched my heart deeply. One of the simple joys of this time of quarantine and family togetherness at home has been the time and space to slowly wake, spend time in prayer, and be more slow and intentional in our day.

Last night, while snuggling with Teo after reading, he asked me “What’s your favorite time of day?” To which I quickly replied, “Morning. I’m a morning person.” 

“Me too.  I like mornings best.  I don’t like afternoons as much because then the day is almost over. In the morning the day is new and good,” Teo confided.

I’ve been thinking about morning prayers a lot recently.  A couple weeks ago a prayer spontaneously popped in my mind upon waking one morning:

“Lord, I don’t know what the day ahead holds, but I know what you daily provide: mercies that are new each morning, peace that surpasses all understanding and graciously straight paths. Amen.”

This prayer quickly buried itself in my heart and soul, so that it’s one of my first thoughts upon waking each day.  Good timing too, as it’s never been truer than this past week that we simply don’t know what the day ahead holds.

What a week!  I’ve spent the better part of this past week at home on the phone trying to coordinate logistics for my team working remotely.  It’s really hard to believe that Monday was the tax deadline, it feels like a month ago! 

But, there’s also been a great freedom it letting go of the schedule and all the day-to-day demands of life.  I’ve felt incredibly present this past week.  Late this afternoon, the kids and I went for a long walk and I haven’t felt so connected to them, engaged in their conversation, and truly relaxed in a very long time.  We walked on the bike path I often run but they’d never been down.  It was fun to see them explore a place that was familiar to me but new to them. 

I’ve heard it said a lot this week and I really relate: the crisis of this pandemic will show us all what’s most important in life.  When things are so out of our control, we can rest and rely on the one who has everything under his gracious and loving will. 

I’m not used to being the one being cared for and protected.  This role reversal right now feels strange, but also very comforting.  The feeling reminds me of when I was diagnosed with diabetes and stayed in the hospital for five days.  My pediatric nurses were so attentive and caring, my mom slept on a fold out chair next to my bed, and visitors came in a steady stream to show their love and concern.  It was a scary time, but I felt immensely loved and safe.

Frankly, I’ve not germaphobic at all.  After testing my blood, I typically put my finger in my mouth to stop the bleeding, so yeah, I’m not afraid of germs.  In fact, maybe that’s why my immune system is strong?  The kids and Dennis all came down with the flu last month and I didn’t.  Who knows?

The panic over the conoravirus seems both extreme and rightly concerning at the same time.  As a Type 1 Diabetic, I’m in the “high risk” category of those with “underlying health conditions”.  With diabetes, the concern is that viruses cause high blood sugars which can be more dangerous that the actual virus.  In terms of respiratory issues, I’m healthy as can be!  But, dealing with a serious virus and high blood sugars can be a challenge in terms of hydration and blood sugar control. 

Fortunately, I can do my job entirely from home, so I started self-quarantining (for the most part) on Thursday.  Dennis and I discussed the situation on the way home from school drop off yesterday. I went along because it was Colonial Feast Day for Sienna and I wanted to help setup her hat shop display.  “If something happened to me, it would be really devastating for the children,” I said.  “You think?!” Dennis replied as he reached for my hand.

As I spent most of the day on the phone dealing with the logistics of my team working remotely and back-up plans should offices need to close, Dennis went to multiple grocery stores.  Armed with a list of items I texted messaged him, he navigated the stores, overhearing concerned mothers as they learned that San Diego Unified announced a three week school closure. 

When he got home, we had a few laughs at some of the incorrect items he purchased!  My “veggie chips” were supposed to be the mixed root vegetables chips, but instead he got a bag of the potato puffed “chips” that are flavored with spinach and therefore labelled “veggie chips”.  We also now have enough fire roasted crushed tomatoes to feed an army, as he got 28 oz cans of crushed instead of 15 oz cans of diced tomatoes.  But, he did his best!  He offered to return them when I realized we needed a few more things, but I told him they’ll work just fine. Something as simple as taking on all the grocery shopping and family errands is Dennis’s tangible gift of love and concern for me. It makes me feel safe and loved.

Sitting there at my computer and gazing around our home, I felt really grateful for the preparation God has been doing to my heart and soul lately.  I’ve been thinking a lot about home and the nature of home making lately.  Our home is a cozy 1,100 square feet.  In sunny San Diego, this small size is offset by a lovely backyard and covered patio area that adds enough livable space for us to spread out. I even enjoy working outside at the patio table on nice days. However, in the winter or when it rains (as it has all week!) then we enjoy abundant family togetherness as most of our living happens in one space. 

Several ideas from The Life Giving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging & Becoming captured my imagination, such as these quotes from Sally & Sarah Clarkson:

“If you want your children to grow up loving what is true, beautiful, and good, your whole home should reflect that wholeness,” (pg. 89).

“Through the years, I have realized over and over that I conduct the atmosphere in my home by the way I rule over my heart.  When I focus not on performance or perfection but on joy, gratitude, and service, everything seems to fall into place,” (pg. 177).

Home should be the place we long to be, as it’s the place where we take refuge.  Home is where we enjoy the company of our loved ones and can truly rest and relax.  Home is where our children learn important lessons and where we all demonstrate love and patience in our daily interactions.  Home is where it’s safe to fail, where grace is extended and we remind each other of God’s love and forgiveness.

Now, since the kids’ school has opted for online instruction for the next few weeks before spring break during Holy Week, we prepare to spend most of the next month at home together. I’m grateful for an outlook on home that is inspiring and restorative.  Life has felt very full and busy the past year or so.  Although the circumstances are a little scary, I’m embracing the coziness of home and period of rest this season will bring. 

As we sat down for dinner, my arm stretched uncomfortably across the table to grasp Mateo’s hand, we all recited The Lord’s Prayer.  Even though I’ve said this prayer thousands of times in my life, the phrase: “give us this day our daily bread” particularly struck me.  It was the word daily that caught my attention and my imagination.  My heart was moved by the simplicity and utter reliance that a prayer for today’s bread, for this meal in front of us, implicated.

In recent weeks, I’ve been relying on God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit for daily provision, support, and guidance.  When I think back over many years of my life, I’m shammed to admit that often my attitude toward God was something along the lines of, “Thanks God, I’ve got it from here!” as I proceeded to live as if I were in control.  Not right now! My morning prayer is for God to keep me close and help me rely on Him for everything.  As I turn out the light at night, my prayer is one of thanksgiving that Christ has been graciously guiding and protecting me all day long.

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This reorientation from contemplating, striving, and seeking to improve things on a wider scale, to focusing on the daily simplicity of life unfolding, has brought such peace.

We have very little control over our thoughts and feelings, they ebb and flow throughout the day. But, we can decide how to behave, what to do with our time, and intentionally pray for God’s guidance as our day unfolds.  John W. Kleinig says:

Our work goes hand in hand with our praying, for we are daily called to work with God. When we pray for God’s support and guidance in our work and the people we work with, we live by His grace and rely on Him to do His work through us.

Grace Upon Grace: Spirituality for Today, pg. 199.

I love the idea of resting from the striving of modern life and instead let God do His work through me throughout the day.  There is simply no area of life that God doesn’t desire to support and guide us through. Years ago I realized that I never prayed for help in managing my diabetes.  Here I had this disease that required hourly monitoring and I’d opted to handle it alone for so long!  Now, I pray for peace around my food choices, discernment when I’m deciding on insulin doses, and for overall good health.

I’ve been loving the book: The Life Giving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging & Becoming by Sally & Sarah Clarkson.  It’s full of practical suggestions and inspiration for creating a home oriented toward God and love for one another.  In the chapter for July, Sarah describes how reading great books can help a family to develop strong character through mimicking heroism found in stories and character.  I loved the way she concludes the chapter:

This life, this single day, this one home is the setting in which we have the chance to remember and honor the heroes who have gone before us and allow their tales to draw us into a heroism all our own.

In the end, I believe, heroism is simply faithfulness, a moment-by-moment choice to do what is right – to love once more, to give without fear in the face of every challenge.  Heroism is forged and known in such choices, whether in a blazing moment of courage or in the countless small moments of luminous, ordinary life.  Let us pray for courage and grace to join the ranks of loving and brave people who have gone before us and, in so doing, take our place as part of God’s story on earth.

The Life Giving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging and Becoming, pg. 163.

This season of my life is full of routine, which can sometimes lead to a feeling of dullness in the day-to-day. However, the mundane everyday is where my life is happening, where my children are growing, where our family culture is created through daily activities.  Our relationships are grown through supporting one another when we’re struggling and cheering when we succeed, in acceptance when a child (or adult!) is cranky and loving cuddles while we read at night.  When the day is long and everyone is tired, it is heroic when you dig down for the energy to cook a healthy meal and have patience with your family when the bath and bedtime routine drags on. 

I’ve never been a big fan of Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble, probably because I didn’t want to think about today or tomorrow being fully of anxiety! But, I’ve come to appreciate the wisdom of Christ’s teaching on this matter. We are so much better off when we’re present in the moment, trusting that God is providing the grace and provision for this day, rather than worrying about tomorrow and therefore robbing today of it’s strength.

This morning, before my eyes fully opened, I started a morning prayer that just flowed from my heart: Lord, I don’t know what this day holds but I know what you provide daily: mercies that are new each morning and peace that surpasses all understanding. 

I wasn’t planning on “giving up” anything for Lent this year.  As my faith matured over the years, I started to view this practice as a bit of works righteousness.  The idea that giving up chocolate for 40 days would somehow impress God or improve the condition of my soul seemed pretty ridiculous! 

However, last night at the Ash Wednesday service, Pastor Brian put this traditional practice in perspective as a spiritual discipline for repentence of our sins during the Lenten season, rather than a futile attempt to earn God’s favor.  I started to consider what I could give up, in addition to adding Lenten devotions to our family routine.  My first thought was to make a dietary resolution, but those are challenging when you have diabetes and blood sugar considerations will always dictate when and what I eat. 

Then, I thought of the things that I rely on in life in place of putting my trust and dependence on Christ.  Coffee immediately sprung to mind!  My daily coffee consumption has increased over the past few years and now afternoon coffee is pretty routine and I probably average three cups a day.  I’ve started to use coffee for the boost in both energy and mood.  I’ve noticed some negative impacts on my hydration and generally don’t like feeling addicted to something.  When I considered cutting back on coffee in the past, I kept deciding against it based on the fact that coffee/caffeine is something I enjoy and I ought to treat myself! 

The past couple months have involved a lot of soul searching, emotion, and relying on Christ in my day-to-day life in a profound way.  Limiting myself to one cup of coffee per day will take real mindfulness and reliance on prayer and surrender, instead of propping myself up with another cup of coffee when my energy or mood is low.  Today I did it!  One cup with breakfast and then that was it.  I didn’t spend time trying to decide when to have more coffee, as it was off the table.  I had a tough day, but instead of reaching for coffee, I let myself feel down and focused on the next thing in front of me. 

I just finished reading a book gifted to me by my dear Deaconess. It’s called Grace Upon Grace: Spirituality for Today by Rev. John W. Kleinig.  It will undoubtedly be the book (second to the Bible!) that I return to for guidance over and over again.  Truly, I could spend the rest of my writing/blogging years on the themes and quotations from this book!

Speaking of our approaching God, Kleinig writes:

We have nothing to give and everything to receive.  All that we ever receive from God the Father comes to us through Jesus, our intercessor and advocate.  We depend on Him for everything. Apart from Jesus, we are helpless before God the Father. Jesus alone is holy.  We borrow our holiness and everything else from Him. (pg. 277).

This season of my life has taught me about resting in God and letting go of striving. Surrendering and accepting that Jesus has already accomplished everything needful for my life and salvation is liberating and humbling. God doesn’t need my good works or my efforts to improve myself. I am holy because of Christ and Him alone.

My heart feels ready for Lent this year.  Ready to lean in to the aching and sadness of life as we reflect on our sinfulness and Christ’s sacrifice for us on the cross.  Ready to prepare my heart to celebrate with true hope and joy when we reach Easter and rejoice in the resurrection.  By then, I’ll surely be ready for a second cup of coffee. 

Several months ago, Sienna and I were looking at a picture of her cousin Charley on social media. Sienna adores her little cousin so much! After exclaiming about how cute Charley’s picture was, Sienna said, “Mom, she’s going to be four soon! I have to see her before she turns four!” Her birthday is in mid-February and I thought of the possibility of going up to Humboldt for the kids’ President’s Day break. We quickly looked into flying, which has become much less expensive recently, and booked our trip.

Since I didn’t get to celebrate my fortieth birthday with my family, my dad and stepmom offered to throw a special birthday dinner for me. My sister Sarah’s kids, Sienna and Mateo would stay with a babysitter on Saturday evening before Charley’s birthday party on Sunday. Family time and a lot of celebration was our plan for the weekend!

We had a very smooth an uneventful flight to Humboldt via San Francisco, after getting up unbelievably early on Friday morning. An early flight always sounds like a good idea in theory, but on the plus side we arrived in Humboldt at 10:30 a.m. My mom picked us up from the airport and we headed to Arcata for a delicious brunch at T’s Cafe. My dad and stepmom swung by and met us outside the restaurant for hugs and catching up, on a beautiful and relatively warm winter day.

Since Sarah’s kids were still in school for a few hours, we killed time before Sienna and Teo could play with their cousins by exploring Arcata Plaza. It’s funny, being born and raised in Eureka, I didn’t spend that much time in Arcata growing up. But, now that my mom and sister live in McKinleyville, we do a lot of our dining, shopping, and coffee drinking in the shops and eateries around the Plaza.

It was Valentine’s Day, so once we all gathered at Sarah’s house and the kids were reunited, we had a little Valentine’s party, complete with exchanging valentine cards, decorating heart shaped cookies, and eating chocolate goodies. My mom, Sarah and I ended up decorating most of the cookies, which was fun and nostalgic for all the cookie decorating we’ve done over the years.

As we enjoyed our dinner, including amazing pork loin that my brother-in-law Casey (aka “the grill master”) grilled for us, the kids watched Frozen 2. Listening to Charley sing “Into the Unknown” was definitely a highlight of the trip! Our stepsister Jarae had joined the festivities by then, so the six of us adults sat around the dining table talking and laughing loudly. The kids kept turning up the volume of the television and shushing us to be quiet so they could enjoy their movie. It was hysterical for the adults to be considered the loud and obnoxious ones!

My mom and Sarah wanted to take me shopping in Old Town Eureka for my birthday gifts, so we asked Dennis and Casey to take the kids for the day on Saturday. They are wonderful husbands and enjoy hanging out together, so they were game. Unfortunately, Mateo woke up pretty congested, but he’s had allergies when in Humboldt in the past, so we gave him some allergy medicine and wished the men well.

The ladies headed to Arcata for breakfast to fuel our day of shopping. As we parked and started for the crosswalk, I didn’t see a little island next to the sidewalk. My toe hit the curb and I fell, hard. It was like those slow-motion falls where I could tell I had no chance of catching myself and I felt my shin, knee, shoulder, hands, and eventually face hit the pavement.

Falling, as an adult, is fortunately a fairly rare occurrence. It’s humiliating and it hurts! For a second I laid on the ground and wished that I could go back in time a few seconds and notice that oddly placed island. How ridiculous was this turn of events.

My mom and Sarah quickly helped me up as I started to cry. They helped me assess my injuries, a large gash on my finger needed the most attention. We all expected that the left side of my face would have a large abrasion. My shoulder and forearm hurt, but they weren’t scratched. As we drove to my mom’s, Sarah said, “It’s okay, you can cry, Kels.” So, I did. A lot.

We got the gash and scratch on my hands cleaned and bandaged up. As we discussed what happened my mom said, “Well, as you get older…” and we all cracked up. It was that crazy mix of laughter through tears as I said, “Oh yeah, now that I’m 40, I can’t stay on my feet!” “That’s not what I meant!” my mom exclaimed. Later, Sarah cleaned the shoulder of my fleece sweatshirt and I iced my face to keep the swelling down. I continued to cry and felt so grateful that this happened with two of the people who love me and know me most in the world.

Once the tears had run their course, I was able to notice some hidden blessings. First, I realized that I had just taken my sunglasses off, which would really have hurt had they still be on my face when I fell. Also, since it was a chilly Humboldt morning, I was in jeans, a heavy fleece sweatshirt and sturdy shoes so my body was well protected as I hit the ground. As it turned out, my shoulder took the brunt of the impact and it had a deep bruise by the next day. Also, my face didn’t end up with an abrasion at all, just a bruise on the cheekbone that hurts when you touch it but you can’t really see.

Our shopping outing was delightful! We got some beautiful pieces of clothing at The Irish Shop and found some other fun items around Old Town. We ended our mother/daughter day with coffee at Ramone’s and exploring a bookstore – two of my favorite activities with two of my favorite people!

We picked up cupcakes for Charley’s birthday party the next day on our way back to Sarah’s house. We arrived to discover that Mateo was really flushed and lethargic. The dads had been sending us pictures throughout the day of the kids at the fish hatchery and lunch, and they’d been keeping an eye on Teo. We noticed his pink cheeks in the pictures, but we were still surprised when we took his temperature and it was 102.9 degrees! Around this same time, my nephew Cody began vomiting, which we desperately hoped was caused by motion sickness from trampoline jumping. Controlled chaos ensued as we tried to decide how to handle the situation.

Eventually we ended up cancelling the birthday dinner and the babysitter. Casey and Sarah attended to Cody and eventually concluded that it probably wasn’t motion sickness as he didn’t start to feel better quickly. We decided to take Teo to urgent care so we could see if he had the flu and possibly start Tamiflu right away. They did diagnose him with the flu and ordered the antiviral medication for us to pick up the next morning, as all the pharmacies were already closed. As we left urgent care, we learned that Charley had also started vomiting, so her birthday party was also called off.

Sienna came down with the fever and cough on Sunday morning! As Sarah said, “Too bad the kids don’t all have the same thing, then they could at least hang out and watch movies together!” As it was, the Bonilla family hunkered down at Gaga’s while we alternated doses of Tamiflu and acetaminophen to keep their fevers down. My mom and I took Charley over her gifts and wished our angel girl a “happy birthday” while she reminded us to take Sienna the birthday gift she’d left there the night before. What an amazing little four year old!

Since I was feeling fine, I met up with my dad and stepmom for a wonderful, long chat and coffee on Sunday afternoon, which helped complete our trip to Humboldt. I’d been looking forward to catching up with both of them. Connection was easier in a small gathering!

Looking back, so many things went wrong on this trip. I also forgot the pills I take for diabetes management so I needed a lot more insulin than normal, which was frustrating! The most disappointing was that Charley was sick for her 4th birthday and we had to cancel her party.

But, Sienna got to spend a lot of time playing with her cousin before she turned four, which was the catalyst for our trip. Lane, Cody and Teo had fun playing together and I got to spend time with my loved ones to celebrate a milestone year. There were a lot of sweet moments of connection and family bonding over these few days, not in spite of, but because of things going wrong.

Family are the people who are there for you when you need them. They don’t need you to put on a happy face or a strong front. They love and accept you: injuries, illnesses, and all.

The weekend before my 40^th birthday, Dennis and I had plans for dinner with my dear friend Christina and her boyfriend Tom.  We were planning to go to their favorite Italian restaurant that they rave about! I was excited about trying the food and having a fun night out with our friends.  However, the day before was a rough one for me.  I was very down and felt like I wouldn’t make very good company.  I texted Christina: “Just want to forewarn you that I’m struggling with some anxiety right now so I may not be my typical cheerful self. But, I love having the time to connect with you!” She quickly replied: “Oh my sweet friend. I love you regardless of your mood. Thanks for your honesty.”

This brief exchange calmed my nerves and my heart.  When Dennis asked me later that evening if I felt up to going out the following night, I was able to reply, “Yes, I want to connect with my friend. It’s okay if I’m not feeling great.” 

Emotions truly are like the weather; they’re always changing.  I decided to dress up a bit for dinner and had stopped struggling with the anxiety by the time we left.  Sienna took pictures of us by the fireplace (like we were headed to prom!) because she said we looked so nice together.

As Dennis drove and we chatted about my upcoming birthday, I thought about how supportive and caring he is, especially when I’m in a dark place and need to lean on him.  We got to Christina’s early and sat in the car talking when suddenly I touched his hand and said, “You really love me.” I can’t remember what prompted me to say that, but I remember feeling so loved.  We were meeting at Christina’s to take an Uber to the restaurant.  It’s in a busy area near downtown so I figured we were trying to avoid parking issues.  We went inside and were directed to an upstairs room.

The upstairs is small, with just enough room for a long table for one large party.  When we got to the top of the stairs I was met with cheers of “Surprise!” by most of my dearest friends in San Diego!   I was shocked.  I instantly gave Christina a long hug and then turned to Dennis, “Did you know about this?!” He had the biggest smile on his face and conceded that he knew.  Turns out he and Christina had been hatching this plan for weeks. 

As I looked at the gathered guests I thought: “These are exactly the people I would invite to my party!”  Which made me feel seen and known by my husband and friend.  As I tried to recover from the shock, another thought flashed in my mind: “I’m not up for this.  I can’t be on for everyone.”  Fortunately, I took a moment to pray and the Holy Spirit quickly comforted me with another thought, “Just let them love you.  You don’t have to perform for them.”  I got a little teary as I sat down and started talking with my friends. 

My friends love me.  Dennis loves me.  These thoughts occurred to me within a half an hour.  Why did this feel like a revelation?  When you repress your feelings, you don’t just repress the “negative” or painful ones, you also repress joy and tender moments of connection.  When I open my heart and allow myself to feel my emotions, everything becomes heightened and intensifies.  When I let myself feel, then I could actually feel loved. 

The surprise party was utterly delightful!  I soaked up the time with my loved ones and enjoyed the conversation.  Many of my friends didn’t know other guests at the party, so it was very fun to watch them connect and find commonalities.  After being “in my head” so much, it was such a joy to be present and have fun!  The food was delicious too.  One of the fun things about surprise parties is hearing all the backstory that you weren’t aware of when it was happening. To think, all this planning and plotting for me!

Being able to feel joy and true happiness within a period of anxiety and darkness is a lesson I will remember.  When we don’t feel upbeat or happy, that’s precisely when we should engage with our loved ones and lean on them for support, encouragement, connection, joy, and fun.  Our feelings are constantly changing.  Moments of tenderness and joy may be just around the corner.